sadness hides - with a later edit below - Writers Forum

dannyboy · 05-20-2005, 09:13 AM

sadness hides
in the rustle
of fallen leaves trapped upon concrete,
in the wind
lost within a bewildering city,
in voices
calling out names late at night.

Those names
called in darkness
haunt.

Sadness lurks
in a refrigerator’s hum,
in a dripping tap,
in the playfulness of a screensaver,

In the smashing of glass
on a night of
drinking quietly
so as not to disturb
the slumbering heart.

xemoxlovex · 05-20-2005, 10:05 AM

Quote:

fallen leaves trapped upon concrete

of my god. i love that line.

i could hug you right now.

Farror · 05-20-2005, 02:57 PM

Nice. Brings sadness into the common things. I agree with xem about that line.

"calling out names late at night."
This line is a tad too long for the rythm to my ear. I don't know how you could change it while keeping the same exact meaning, so I suppose I'm just pointing it out.

"in the playfulness of a screensaver"
This is another line that bothered me. It stuck out like a sore thumb from the rest of the poem. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Other than that, I very much enjoyed your poem. It had an original feeling.

dannyboy · 05-20-2005, 07:47 PM

Thnak you xem and Farror

and yes, i know what you mean Farror. What about this edit?

sadness hides
in the rustle
of fallen leaves trapped upon concrete,
in the wind
lost within a bewildering city,
in names
cried out in the night.

Those names
called in darkness
haunt.

Sadness lurks
in a refrigerator’s hum,
in a dripping tap,
in an unwatched screensaver,

In the smashing of glass
on a night of
drinking quietly
so as not to disturb
the slumbering heart.

Rico · 05-20-2005, 07:52 PM

this poem seems so sad to me, dannyboy.

Quote:

Sadness lurks
in a refrigerator’s hum,
in a dripping tap,
in an unwatched screensaver

my favorite lines.

the sadness in every day life, in just the little things, is made so tangible by this poem. beautiful

Farror · 05-20-2005, 08:20 PM

Nice edit. Fixed all of my problems.

MariusBonaparte · 05-20-2005, 08:41 PM

Well delivered Dannyboy.

Maybe I could steal a bit of your talent. I seem to be short on it nowadays.

dannyboy · 05-20-2005, 09:11 PM

thanks all, and yes farror, i was happy also. This is why this site is so fantastic. Sometimes it (or the plural 'you')
gives me the push i need.

Fret not Marius its not talent you're short on -and no I'm not going to say what it is...discover it for yourself (include wink here).