2 poems I wrote back when I was still in High School.. - Writers Forum

JasCat · 05-19-2005, 01:47 PM

"The Right Guy"
Once again my heart has been broken,
It seems to happen with every living token, that passed by,
Making me want to break down and cry.
My heart tells me to give up,
But my brain tells me to keep on trying,
So I guess I'll try and try,
Until the right and true guy comes by.

"My life after you"
I use to smile on a daily basis,
But now they are depressing faces,
Day in, Day out,
Me hurting is what my life is all about.
And wondering if I will ever find the right and true guy for me,
Also hoping we will be together happily.

To me these poems could use some work, as a lot of my earlier poems seem to need.

scruffy · 05-19-2005, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JasCat

"The Right Guy"
Once again my heart has been broken,
It seems to happen with every living token, that passed by,
Making me want to break down and cry.
My heart tells me to give up,
But my brain tells me to keep on trying,
So I guess I'll try and try,
Until the right and true guy comes by.

"My life after you"
I use to smile on a daily basis,
But now they are depressing faces,
Day in, Day out,
Me hurting is what my life is all about.
And wondering if I will ever find the right and true guy for me,
Also hoping we will be together happily.

To me these poems could use some work, as a lot of my earlier poems
seem to need.

I think you need to work on your line breaks. The rhythm is broken several times especially in the first few lines of the first poem. Read it aloud to yourself, and you will see what I mean. Also, don't use rhyme if it hinders the meaning. Rhyme should always be secondary to meaning. Anyway, I liked "smile on a daily basis......faces." Keep working on these.

JasCat · 05-20-2005, 02:05 PM

I will do that.