MariusBonaparte

(with a tiny edit thanks to the suggestion of the lovely and talented Lans AKA Gigi )

still, she mourns.

blue eyes with red glazing
smoke, a cover up that she wears.
it doesn’t hide where tears rolled.

pulled from wreckage
was her Raggedy Andy,
human made doll by accident.

a green voice
tells her in restrained laughter
that it’s going to be alright.

she reaches for her drink,
her shrink,
through her hazy vision

the game is played up.
the day is slipping
away from her sight.

she mourns, still.

white~water

i particularly like this, not raggedy ann... good use of language - you say what has happened with out naming it.

like the rhyme here - only bit in the poem so draws attention to it and i like how you have put 'drink' and 'shrink' together - 2 different ways of coping with this.

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i hope that when the world comes to an end i can breathe a sigh of relief because there will be so much to look foward to
~Donnie Darko~

MariusBonaparte

white water-

thanks. While this was initially a poem about a woman who saw the man in her life pulled from a car crash, or some accident...one friend read it and thought it read like it was about a woman whose husband died in a war.

she thought the "green voice" could not only be marijuana, but possibly a soldier telling her about the death.

all in all, I had no idea what possessed me to write it. it was just a scene that popped into my head.

thanks for the positive comment.

scruffy

good imagery--my only suggestion is try not to use so many dead verbs like "is" and "was"

she mourns, still.[/quote]

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scruffy

MariusBonaparte

Scruffy- Good observation.

Gigi- I will make that edit that you proposed. Just for the sake of seeing how it looks. I'm definitely honored that you said as much about the poem, and it is always a privilege hearing your opinion

MariusBonaparte

through the hazy vision
she reaches for her drink,
her shrink.

still, she mourns.

blue eyes with red glazing
smoke, a cover up that she wears.
it doesn’t hide where tears rolled.

pulled from wreckage
was her Raggedy Andy,
human made doll by accident.

a green voice
tells her in restrained laughter
that it’s going to be alright.

the game is played up.
the day is slipping
away from her sight.

she mourns, still.

MariusBonaparte

J to the L- Thanks for the positive feedback.

johnjohndoe

i like the idea of so much color going on here.

i've read your poem more than once. the first time to "get a feel" for it - the second time to "fill-in" the spaces i might have missed the first time.

your images grab me by the collar. your sentement grabs me by the heart.

9 +.

john.

MariusBonaparte

JJD- Honored to hear that coming from you bud. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's always nice to see at least one experiment succeeding in its task.