JasCat

I wrote this in my lowest of time. I still have a unfixed heart but its not as bad as it was on 11-1-04 when I wrote this.

Broke,
Pieces all over the linolium floor.
Tape nor glue can fix, the item that is shadered.
Love has to come with a key of majic to bring it back to its original structure.
The love it knew so long ago,
From the beginning to the ends so many times.
Each piece resembling every year the love was never dying.
Her heart will be forever unfixed,
Until a love returns.

mswietek

Not bad. Once of the dangers of writing poems that personal, that close to the time it happened, is that while it may be therapeutic for the writer, it doesn't make for a good poem for the reader. I think you've avoided that here.

If I could make the following suggestions...

1) Lines 2 and 3 read a bit clunky...

Tape nor glue can fix, the item that is shadered.
Love has to come with a key of majic to bring it back to its original structure.

Perhaps

Tape nor glue can fix, what's shattered.
Love has to come with a key of majic to make it whole.

Structurally, I think the line "Each piece resembling every year the love was never dying. " Could come after the "Tape nor glue" line. It seems to fit there better.

Good job.

Michael

JasCat

Thanks for the suggestion. I hope you don't mind that I use them for when someone else wants to read my poems.

mswietek

Go right ahead and use my suggestions if you like....that's why I give them. I looked at your poem again. I rewrote it a bit, just playing around with your original. I hope you don't mind (I know some people do). Feel free to use it or not.

Broken,
Her heart all over the linolium floor.
For every shard, a year of love it knew,
not so long ago
Tape nor glue can fix what's been shattered.
Until love binds it anew


Michael

JasCat

It has to grow on me I guess. I'm so use to the words I used. I'll use your first suggestion. Thanks again.

ms. vodka

This is cliche' filled. I suggest that you go and re-write it paying special attention to avoid all cliche's.

Your sentiment is real, but the cliche's make it come across as phony.

Vodka

JasCat

Even if I do it mswietek's way will it still seem that way? I just need some pointers on what i should do with it. Thanks.

BrokenSword

JasCat,

the problem with posting publicly is that your audience wants (unless they are Hallmark junkies) something unique. Getting rid of the cliches means you as a writer has to re-invent your wheel. The words you choose come easily to you because cliches work for just what they define; well-worn sayings that once were original and encompassed some idea or thought in a way that a few words said it best or most succinct. The idea as a writer is to come up with phrases that OTHERS will want to use again and in essence, create your own cliche. Good luck - easier said than done, but that is what keeps writers going - the aim to be more than 15 minutes of fame. So, my suggestion would be to go through this and pull out the cliches. You have to be able to recognize what a cliche is and how often and easily they filter into everyday language. Thing is, if I wanted to read everyday verbiage, I'd pick up the newspaper or a novel. This is poetry and though the words might be more plain than is MY wont, it still has to be much more than prose. Hallmark sells cards as they do with generic, over-used verbiage that appeals to what is basic inside us. Thing is, how many card verse can you recite right now? Can you remember ANY of them? I would bet most can't. The words touch ONLY the heart - that is their usual design - the audience is broad and the words have to appeal to everyone and so, there can be very little in the way that might offend or cause a reader to actually think. And there you have the basis for better poetry - make me think. When I read verse which is no more than journal entries or full of cliches and abstracts, well, eyes glaze over faster than frosting at Krispy Kreme.


Maybe devise some sort of rubberband-on-the-wrist punishment for each time you jot down something which is cliche. That should steer you towards new and fresh verse.


With all that said, JasCat, I do believe most writers have done cathartic pieces and they all have a value, thing is, such as this will appeal only to those in the exact same place and they too need an outlet or yourself. Most of an audience will never be able to see what you saw or feel what you felt, when you write from your emotional base. That's why I always say you need to marry the heart AND mind. It needs emotion but it also needs celebral stimulation. I'd suggest you keep your original just for you and for as long as you need this symbol. THEN, I'd tell you to take the 'idea' behind your pain and wrap it up in some metaphor that SHOWS us what you felt like. See, a good writer doesn't tell us and have us watch as we relive how pain can contort a person but rather, they put the reader IN the poet's/writer's place so there is some understanding. Showing and no cliches, minimal (if at all) abstracts, good line breaks, some tone for color (just to keep your verse from looking like some textbook example of images and paucity of words), sound concepts regarding sound, rhythm (of course - else you have just pretty prose), UNIQUE pov's and you've about got a winning forumla.


Sorry if I got any dirt there in your kitchen, just wanted to expand since you were asking...


BrokenSword

huni

Jascat - there is something here that has depth and I like the beginning of an excellent metaphor for the painful experience. Follow this excellent advice presented above by the others and try again Jascat. warm regards huni.

To Brokensword - I am reading and hopefully learning from your comments. What is pov ( all I can think of is point of view). I haven't done a posting for ages but you are giving some inspiration to try something again. warm regards huni.

__________________
each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust

BrokenSword

well good for you, huni - I hope I CAN inspire as I think we all should aspire to. Heh! And yes, pov (my bad - some standard crit slang that I thought I could get away with!!) means point-of-view. The idea is to look at a message/problem/theme with different eyes than is usually presented. I commented to one poster once about a scenario they were presenting. MOST of us writers want to take either the first person central character pov OR the prose method of third person. The second person and often some view from something like an inanimate object can open doors. In the case I was referring to, I suggested telling the tale from the bird's point of view (it was a seagull, if I remember right) and let the main character be portrayed through the seagull's eyes. Isn't always applicable, but at least the consideration should be done. Being creative means you have to think different and push the envelope a bit.

I think if you start to look at your own poetry and consider which concepts are working (the good ones I mentioned above) and which are not (abstracts, cliche, trite, tellyness, poor linebreaks, no tone or tone which detracts from the message, little attention paid to sound and rhythm and of course, staid pov's that don't bring anything new to the usual 'everything's new under the sun' or 'it's all been said and done') will set the stage for your scintillating idea, yes?. Nothing ventured nothing gained, huni, and so, you are supposed to have this suppressed desire to express yourself in poetic manner, 'specially since you're a poet, hey???? Heh!


Sorry for the step-in, JRod. Hope this is an entertaining if not a learning experience!


BrokenSword

gordon

lOVED THE LINE" FROM THE BEGINING TO THE ENDS OF SO MANY TIMES"
cliched yes I suppose but from experience and reality also.
keep writing i like the feel of this
G

__________________
One thing in life is certain you wont get out alive

mswietek

Maybe others might disagree, but I think cliche isn't always bad, but it needs care to be handled correctly. Throwing a bunch of cliches in a poem can make for togh reading, but taking a single cliche, and making it the focus of a poem can make for interesting results.

That's why, although I saw the cliche in this poem (broken heart) it didn't really bother me.

Michael

BrokenSword

I'd like to perhaps clarify a bit, Michael; the use of cliched phrases is one thing, the use of cliched image-sets or trite themes is yet another. I feel anything can be poeticized and it is how well the poet presents said 'cliched/trite' theme that makes or breaks it. I agree that 'using a cliche' CAN make for a good poem, but not cliched phrasing. Think of it as a form of plagiarism; someone ELSE already wrote said cliche. And yes, I know - someone, somewhere, sometime probably has written just about anything you or I might come up with, but the levels such as cliches take the language is why we as writers have a duty to 'think different'. And yes, there are those that like the cliches for their warm closeness. I would think though, that new and fresh is what promotes the genre. There are software routines that can take a group of cliches and cobble up poetry - I've seen it. Eventually, it gets old and so, I advise to guard against the use of cliches. There is always a way to rewrite and get the exact same message (not a sin, this!) across with new ways of presentation. I've seen contests done with the sole goal of each poem to write around one central cliche - THIS works as the 'play' is on the cliche, the point is to define the cliche while having to mention it only once, usually as the end-all-to-be-all. It comes down to what do you want to read? Something that sounds familiar or something new? I guess I'll always choose the latter but respect others for their choice.


BrokenSword

mswietek

Thanks for clarifying Broken, I agree with what you said. I should have been more clear myself. I think cliches can be interesting, when the cliche itself becomes the focus of the poem. Cliche's are bad when they are used out of laziness, but a different or unique take on a cliche can shed new light on it, and twist it into a pleasing shape.

Michael

JasCat

Well this poem and a few others I have posted are some of my earlier ones. Maybe my newer ones are better. I surely think so. Thanks for the advice and i'll do what I can to make them better so my audience doesn't get bored or is upset because they can't understand it.