theben

3rd written text, I am still learning .

#3 - Summer Day
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Wake up at dawn, and feed the swan.
Call up Jay, to go out and play.
This heat I endure, with a fish on the lure.
A drink at the cafe, on this summer day.

gohn67

You are getting better. Though I felt the rhyming was a bit forced mainly "endure" and "lure". I enjoyed this poem. It reminded me of Summer.

I still suggest you try to write in free verse as you'll be able to express what you want alot better.


Keep writing you are getting better with every poem. Especailly this one. Much improved.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

theben

Thanks for the comments and suggestion.
I just now came up with another poem, I think it is a little better, look for the topic: World of Sin.