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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
03-10-2005, 12:38 AM
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#1
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Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: wouldn't you like to know? hehe...
Posts: 2,597
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no excuse
Imagine:
down on the ground
raised eyes
hurt words
tear-streaked cheeks
Feel:
heart pounding heavy
hands trembling unsteady
breath coming slow
never so alive
See:
kneeling, praying begging so hard
young people searching for answers
the world that we have created
there’s no excuse anymore.
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03-10-2005, 01:07 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: In this body...
Posts: 327
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Not bad.
It evokes a certain image.
A rather hopeless one though.
Searching and praying implies doing something, but not enough really.
I'd add one more line of defiance and struggle.
End in hope, not despair.
But that's just my 2 cents. It's nice work regardless.
Good job.
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Primarily I'm here for the doughnuts and the duck-dog.
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03-10-2005, 09:56 AM
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#3
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Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005
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thanks ajax. i was in a lousy mood when i wrote this, thus the hopeless ending. i'll take a look at it again when i'm happier...perhaps the poem shall end eventually in happiness.
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03-10-2005, 12:57 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
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My advice would be not to go for an ending of happiness.
End in rage and defiance for the way things are.
__________________
Primarily I'm here for the doughnuts and the duck-dog.
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03-10-2005, 01:38 PM
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#5
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Forum Hottie
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Florida
Gender: Female
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Crzy very interesting write indeed. I like the way you went through the stanzas. You kept it short and direct. I like it.
Nae
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Years of practice only to find, practice is for amateurs. Live life without a script...
Renae L. Soler
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03-10-2005, 11:44 PM
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#6
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Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005
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thank you nae
ajax, i will work on that last line. i think you have something.
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03-10-2005, 11:50 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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Crzy, I like it...but the second stanza made me think sex, while the others conveyed a sadder message.
Maybe I'm perverted...either way, I liked it. Nice job.
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DELICIOUS
-CFH
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03-11-2005, 11:34 AM
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#8
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Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: wouldn't you like to know? hehe...
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when i look back at it, i think you might be right chelsea...definitely not the mood i want to portray!
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