Kodeir

Luxury coined with flora from a tranquil meadow
sempiternal resting amongst the blue bird petals.
Swinging listlessly on a mountain born wind
drifting affably on the curls of evergreen grins.
None so tumultuos as to spoil these means
to the desire for observance, amongst the greener things.
Not so much a whip of fire to ignite, or calamity
to throne itself upon enviable lands of such grandevity.
This place betwixt the worlds - where riches may unfold
a currency spent in splendors - of the rolling meadow.

So sink beneath the lively bands
and speak mellifluous unto these lands.
No illation concludes in iron walls,
just the boundries of soft wind calls.

The Heart.



Just got home from work... was going to play a videogame or something but thought I might aswell get something off my mind.

Penelope

Evergreen grins! I love that! Very descriptive. I'd ditch the sempiternal though. A couple of the other flowery words as well. I appreciate expert use of the language but, in this circumstance, it weighed it down.

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Kodeir

As in the words are overused? Or just not befitting to the flow of the poem?

Penelope

It's more about the flow and the words stopping a reader short. I have an extensive vocabulary and you had me pausing over - sempiternal (which I found) - timultuos (wasn't listed in my dictionary) wondering if they really were semipaternal and tumultuous. As we read our mind should be eased along with the words rather than brought up short. Especially in a pastoral poem such as this. To ease my mind, I went and looked the words up rather than just wonder. However, it took me away from the poem.

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Penelope

pedal was another one - made me think of cycling blue birds

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Kodeir

*cough* I write these on a whim... I'm sorry I can't profess any amount of higher learning; shown in my grammatical error.

Sempiternal is much like the latin word sempiternus, continueing always, and pretty much means the same. To endure eternally. I often use sempiternal, illimitable, perpetuity, and amaranthine for alternatives to infinite. Amaranthine being my favorite since it deals more so with the eternity of ones beauty.

As for tumultuos, oopsie ^^ spelling error just like 'pedal'.

Thanks for the help, at the least, makes me feel alittle less inadequate amongst all you talented/professional individuals. I'll try and correct all those errors ^^