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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 02-22-2005, 12:13 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: The foothills of the Chilterns, England
Posts: 121
AndyH
Paris Metro

Written from childhood memories: I lived in Paris from when I was 2 till I was 6.

Paris Metro

In the glaring hospital-white light of the metro,
I stare at stress-fractured businessmen
with polished black briefcases
matching their shoes
probably heading to La Defence or the south;
or a long-faced black teenager,
red in his eyes
vacant black pupils
listening to his walkman:
he's heading to the eastern banlieues.
Or a rambling, bearded man
handing out plastic keyrings
giving some speech about having caught AIDS
having two kids to raise
the words spit and gargle out of his mouth.
People look away, whisper 'non merci,'
'non merci,'
'non merci,'
as he shuffles from one stop to the next.
The doors clunk and hiss open.
Rubber fumes rise from black soot-caked rails.
As the metro thunders on,
it whips up a signature of disturbed air
slapping past my face.
Glistening white-tiled tunnels
showing arty film posters,
curving concave,
lead to steps outside
and warm sunlight.
Car horns knife through drifting currents
of pain au chocolat and cigarette butts.
Buildings sit thick and golden brown
with rows of black dusty windows.
Flags droop from their poles
of embassies with crimson carpets.
I notice the tramp from the metro
wandering the same boulevard
with two Super-U shopping bags.
He seems to be looking
only at the black lumps of chewingum
on the pavement.
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Old 02-22-2005, 08:01 PM   #2
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Location: In Another Land
Posts: 199
European_Son
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Call me strange, but the Paris Metro is one of my favourite parts of the city. Whenever me and my friends visit Paris we often hop on and off visiting one place or another before zipping down the line to the next. It's so swift and clean and prompt when compared with London's Underground or Glasgow's 'Clockwork Orange'.

Anyway, back to the poem, I like it. It seems a very personal account, but that's fine. When reading it I mixed your words and my memories and came out the other site pleased that I had spent the time letting it sink in. I don't know what to suggest to improve it, I may come back later and 'critique' after I've woken up a little, but as a first impression, I like. Thanks.
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Old 02-23-2005, 09:55 AM   #3
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mammamaia is on a distinguished road
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c'est bon comme ça!... takes me right back to my many stays in the city of lights... site of the world's most beautiful subway stations... matched only by a few in moscow that i haven't had the pleasure of experiencing [yet]...

merçi pour ces images de ma vie passée!... hugs, maia
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Old 02-23-2005, 01:49 PM   #4
ms. vodka
 
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this is incredibly well written.

the only suggestion that i have to offer is removing all of the ands and ors. this is too tight of a piece to include things that simply aren't needed.

bravo!

vodka
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