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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-20-2005, 07:50 PM
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#1
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Best Seller
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: kensington, nh
Gender: Male
Posts: 656
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Flip that Burger (use of the 'S' word!)
black, i like it salty over black
bubba lip fat as a canoe hull
bull, bull shit my brother
you want a piece of me, get in line
ah, heaven aint as nice as me
aint got no shit on me
flip that burger, it gettin' burnt
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purple junk diluted iguana infested snarkleberries hungry traveller
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02-21-2005, 10:01 AM
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#2
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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Seeing as no one else has commented, I'm going to. This lacked flow and seemed at odds with itself. An awkward read which left me wondering what you were getting at.
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02-22-2005, 12:00 AM
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#3
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Best Seller
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: kensington, nh
Gender: Male
Posts: 656
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hi
yep, pen, there wasnt much effort put into this thing, it looked good for a split second after writing it, but, yep, youre right as rain heh...
thanks
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purple junk diluted iguana infested snarkleberries hungry traveller
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02-22-2005, 12:33 AM
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#4
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Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 44
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I like the first three lines alot. I would remove the comma in the third line for more flow. The next three lines are cliche. (just a fact, nothing more) I want to find out what happens next....I wish you gave us more..
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02-22-2005, 01:29 AM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: kensington, nh
Gender: Male
Posts: 656
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hi
hey soandso,
thanks for the input, much obliged
this piece was kinda like a black man flipping charcoal hamburgers at mcdonalds, and muttering to himself how he is angry with other black guys, so many hamburgers, or delinquent black guys, and not enough time to fight em all...
thanks
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purple junk diluted iguana infested snarkleberries hungry traveller
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