spirits - Writers Forum

swisstony · 02-20-2005, 03:09 PM

I should dust this floor,
but instead grab the glass and pour
a little more.

I should wash this glass
in hot water,
ring my daughter,
return her call.

I should find that cheese
I left out for some toast,
Yesterday? the day before?

I should stand and answer
the calling shadows at the door,
Read the mail damp with cold
find a mop for the tiled hall floor.

I should hunt for the stubs of
forgotten cigarettes, rollup the
remains and deepen the yellow stains.

Somewhere here there was a mirror
not yet pawned for the pleasure
of a measure of spirit white or black
something to look in and bring me back
to my Stevey, Joanna and Phil
tapping on my windowsill.

I roll the bottle under the table
I should get to my knees and
feign I'm able to handle myself.

A litre of Vladivar on the kitchen shelf
should work up a smile,
and give me the strength
to cope with their love for a while.

autumn_whispers2me · 02-20-2005, 04:19 PM

Wow. Nice flow, makes sense, and not a jumble of meaningless prattle. How refreshing!

And honestly, that was like being a fly on the wall.

I liked it.

mammamaia · 02-21-2005, 12:15 PM

can't say anything that dismal is 'refreshing' but it certainly puts across a day in the life of a mom with addictions she can't shake... so sad...

the erratic rhyme is a bit of a turnoff, but considering the content, maybe that's meant to be a reflection of the erratic emotions/life of the subject?

love and hugs, maia

[edited this after rashadow pointed out that my attempt at humor was not in good taste... apologies to all, m]

rashadow · 02-21-2005, 02:14 PM

Maia, that sounded kinda harsh...

This poem reminds me of my mother. Although her addictions were a bit more dark and sinister...

The rhyme tripped up a bit here and there but overall it was a fantastic day-in-the-life poem. I probably liked it so much because I can relate...sort of.

mammamaia · 02-21-2005, 02:17 PM

was just joshing, ra... but realize it may have been in poor taste... am changing the post... thanks for bringing it to my attention... i wasn't really meaning to denigrate those with addictions...

hugs to all, maia

autumn_whispers2me · 02-21-2005, 05:06 PM

Ras---you're right. I have an alcoholic brother (recovering), and my best friend of 20yrs fell to alcoholism... she had children, a family, a life... that poem personifies what most people don't understand about that disease. But besides that---it was VERY well written and as good as anything I've read in New Yorker or any of my poetry books.

It flowed nicely and made perfect sense---which I STILL find refreshing. And true---life is NOT a bed of thornless roses. Not real life anyway.

I stand by my first impression of the poem.

swisstony · 02-22-2005, 01:48 AM

thanks for the comments

i was actually aiming for 'erratic' rhyme, but not because of the subject being alcoholic, more because i was going for a rhyme that wasn't predictable and formal, its the style which I've used for all my recent poems here. (In Valentine Misery I tried to do it in a way that helped create a sense of breathlessness).

I use rhyme in the way I do to enhance the flow of lines and guide a reader's pacing for the purposes of emphasis as well as create a sense of flow because I think poems unlike prose require a great attention to the flow, I think its an art that I like to try and work at. I can think of no better example than The Waste Land for it being achieved triumphantly.

Anyway, thanks again!

Swiss

autumn_whispers2me · 02-22-2005, 10:30 AM

I personally think you achieved that 'erratic flow.' And I honestly didn't find the poem at all predictable. For instance, I found the ending to be both surprising and believable.

A predictable ending would have been her passing out at the end. lol