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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 02-19-2005, 09:33 PM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: ENGLAND
Posts: 1,727
gordon
War..................

WAR.

He sweeps in on wings of deceit.
Laughing as he maims and kills in his sweep.

He laughs as he hears the terrible sounds.
Its music for him a symphony of howls.
He stands there and looks around and around.
People are shouting without making a sound.

He is our friend our enemy he can’t lose
it’s only the side he wants us to choose.
Iraq Korea it’s all the same.
Since time began he’s been playing this game.

He’s never lost up to now.
Stop him? He laughs we don’t know how.
When we gave him the atom bomb.
He felt quite emotional, and bowed with aplomb.

This was beyond his wildest dreams.
As millions died in a song of screams.
His friends look on in envious silence Famine Plague and Diseases
He’s number one does as he pleases

We fight all his friends do what we can.
But leave him alone wars the man.

He’ll carry on winning he knows it’s true.
While we keep on fighting led by fools.
He smiles to himself the names may change.
But we carry on, playing his game.

He listens as they argue in corridors of power.
This is his moment, this is his hour.
Oh the feeling the sweet sound of bitterness and hate.
This is his moment he can hardly wait.
This is his drug, his opiate.
Just set the time set the date.

He will be there never been late.

He listens as people say what should we do?
He’ll help us along, give us a clue.

Lies and deceit it’s what he lives for.
Hey give him a break he is War.

What did you expect?
Did you think he’d forget?
His aim is death, his aim is true.
Just listen to him tell us what to do.

He hears all the speeches. Stop the Fighting.
Then he looks across the world and can’t help delighting.

His smile is knowing so benign.
Just right now it all looks fine.

Religion creed it’s all the same.
No racist he just play his game.

It’s a song a symphony, a magnificent dance.
He loves us all in our ignorance.

He knows us so well, he pulls the strings.

A maestro of death, it’s what he brings.
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Old 02-19-2005, 09:48 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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Posts: 515
kerpoe
Gordon this was overall a powerful and meaningful piece.

I don't like the turn of phrase and voice very much (just not my preference) but I found the structure to be very easy on the eyes. I'd suggest maybe just some toying with the wording, but that is not really too necessary (it just might make it sound a bit better).

one part I couldn't stand vocally was "he sweeps in on wings of deceit." To me, the part sounded like a junior high school student wrote it (could be just me though).

Overall, very moving and meaningful. My only major issues are merely little nitpicks. Good work...

[/quote]
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Old 02-19-2005, 09:49 PM   #3
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Re: War..................

[quote="gordon"]
It’s a song a symphony, a magnificent dance.
He loves us all in our ignorance. quote]

I forgot to mention that that part spoke the most to me. Very well done there.
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