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Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Poetry
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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 02-15-2005, 03:34 PM   #1
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swisstony
Valentine misery

I was rushing to find a suitable card,
found it in the station shop, scribbled a start on the heart
but the ink had dried hard after half
the 'H'.

I bolted through the gates for the train
it was late again. Five to ten. I caught my breath
and wiped sweat on my cuff
fumbled for a twenty and a second pen.

While I wrote, the wind took its chance and caught the note.
I chased the shadow of its fluttering path to the track
the train rumbled in, I cussed and stepped back,
fumbling for my debit card
card, oh god
where did I leave it?
With my bag that was
now on the back of a tracksuited thief
sprinting fast for the steps
as the guard blows to go.

"Here's your card, you dropped it"
said a silver haired girl,
smiling and wiping the dirt from the swirl
of kisses and ribbons adorning its front.
"Thank you," I smiled, switching on some
charm, "It's for my mum"
(Just once a white lie won't harm)

"Odd," she said, opening the card,
"You've written 'Hey foxy, you get me all hard'"
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Old 02-15-2005, 06:14 PM   #2
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The Holy Moly
LoL! Great piece.

The hectic pace matched the story nicely. Hopefully that is what you intended and I've not misinterpreted anything.
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Old 02-16-2005, 09:48 AM   #3
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funny... some glitches i can't figure out, but cute over all... sort of an anti-valentine's day story?... pity the poor foxy one...
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Old 02-16-2005, 02:44 PM   #4
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swisstony
Thanks both, yes it's meant to be hectic, and I daresay there are some glitches, I kind of did it straight off into the box here because I needed to feel some words. I did make one alteration subsequently.

The way I write I tend to prefer rhymes and rhythms that don't follow a particular form, I'm trying to avoid the 'phrase that was obviously chosen so as to rhyme with a previous one'. I rarely succeed. I did a far better job with 'Emily' which I posted here a while ago.
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Old 02-16-2005, 04:21 PM   #5
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Ooh, I love this. It's wonderful, and the bit at the end about the Mom is great. But white lies are NEVER okay...be good to your valentine.
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