the phoenix

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I'm looking for some critique on these poems. I hope to publish some poetry in the future. Do you think I could? Any particular areas I need to work on? My poems tend to be philosophically orientated (I guess I'm just a philosophical guy ).


Transmutation

The rose, uprooted, withers in pain,
While clenching it now, I bleed my vein.
My tearing eye pictures red on red,
Betraying the fight of my hand, of my head.
Where does the rose end, my hand begin?
Neither can think nor believe in sin.
Despite resistance my blood still flows,
As against the grain I meet my woes.
Where the roses die, the humans lie,
A bed of thorns awaits those who deny.

My poems are rich in meaning, but I don't focus too much on each word's asthetic value in relation to its context. How each syllable sounds, what emotions the sounds of the words evoke...all pertinent things, but I focus more on what the word means, than what its sound feels like. Is this an acceptable way of doing things? Is there a wrong way to write poetry? I suppose, ideally, I'd use both methods as much as I can weave them together.

Penelope

Okay. As a reader, I have the luxury of choosing how I embrace your idea. That is the glory of writing, each reader adds their own layers to the words used. I liked this. I liked the old fashioned feel to the poem. The moral presented to remind us. Very skillful and enchanting.

I felt the vein rhyme was forced though. perhaps a bit of a reworking might address that.

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

teflon

Your poems are rich in meaning, but you don't focus too much on each word's asthetic value in relation to its context. How each syllable sounds, what emotions the sounds of the words evoke...all pertinent things, but you focus more on what the word means, than what its sound feels like. Is this an acceptable way of doing things? Is there a wrong way to write poetry? You supposed, ideally, that you'd use both methods as much as you can weave them together.

the phoenix

Hahaha! I answered my own question, eh? I like your style teflon. Thanks for bringing me full-circle, sometimes I can't do it myself.

*transcends*

Thanks for the kind words Penelope, and the advice. Not that I mind, but why precisely does it feel old fashioned?

Penelope

To answer your question:
topic ~ a rose = a classic.
human interaction ~ while that's common with poetry how you presented it was contemplative.
word choices = simple language with layers of meaning.
rather than waxing poetic about fragrance, petals .. you instead get into something philisophical instead of flowery.
While there may have been sexual meaning, it's not how I read it. I took it more as taking risks at the price of being hurt. More about the romance of life than the erotic.

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Tyson

Hmmmm I feel as if I know you through your writing, this is a straight forward piece. I enjoyed it the length that it is, is just right you make it perfect before it becomes insipid. Not that if you continued it would be insipid. I do like it nice twists of words.
Tyson