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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-14-2005, 07:57 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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Revised "Adonis"
I took the advice, hopefully it's better...
I ate the tasteless promises
that you threw upon my face
I let the fool fall out of me
to lap up my disgrace
Your souless touch that haunted me
long after you had left
escaped me like a silver thread
breath by bated breath
And finally your voice was gone
no more desire for your skin
I found a perfect lack of you
your pointless selfish sin
And now you need my crimson lips
long after we last touched
you prick me with your simple wants
your methods hot and rushed
My lips are weak and listless
they know your awful plan
but you're still my one Adonis
and I miss that in a man
__________________
DELICIOUS
-CFH
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02-14-2005, 09:03 AM
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#2
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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simply perfect considering the date. Well delivered with a good meter and nice use of the language too.
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02-14-2005, 10:30 AM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back 'home' on Tinian!
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,445
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good work!... i like it all but the second line, which seems like it was forced to match 'disgrace' and doesn't really work... 'threw upon my face'?... i'll bet you can come up with something better there, to match the rest in quality... check your rhyming dictionary for something wonderful...
hugs, maia
ps: if you don't have one, you should get one... here are some choices:
ace
base
case
lace
place
race
trace
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02-14-2005, 10:32 AM
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#4
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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space
Personally, I liked the face line.
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02-14-2005, 11:06 AM
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#5
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Forum Hottie
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Florida
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,522
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Chelsea,
I am usually not a huge fan of rhyme because it sometimes feels forced, but this one flowed wonderfully. Your lines were very original. Really enjoyed reading this.
Nae
__________________
Years of practice only to find, practice is for amateurs. Live life without a script...
Renae L. Soler
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02-14-2005, 11:39 AM
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#6
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Addict
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Georgia
Posts: 144
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I loved the read it was great you really gave some. Great Work!
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02-14-2005, 05:22 PM
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#7
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Addict
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AZ
Gender: Male
Posts: 160
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I liked this 
It was not clear to me but only because my thinker doesn't function in that direction. I like the rythm and rhyme.  |
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02-14-2005, 06:09 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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I actually had to force "disgrace", if you can believe it. Thanks all for the feedback. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
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DELICIOUS
-CFH
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