A Cinquain - Writers Forum

Gehanna · 02-13-2005, 08:46 PM

Color
Art in itself
Eye attracting image
Captivating, Fascinating
Beauty

**Penelope** · 02-13-2005, 08:47 PM

Yes!!

Gehanna · 02-13-2005, 08:53 PM

I wrote that in 1987 and found it again just the other day as I was going through some of my old books. I also found this Haiku I wrote:

Leaning toward the ground
Almost as if to kiss it,
The rose was dying

**Penelope** · 02-13-2005, 08:58 PM

haiku = 5-7-5 syllables or less - no capital letters - no commas ...

Your cinquain was technically perfect while projecting the idea with style. I like the haiku less because there is more cliché and less charm.

Gehanna · 02-13-2005, 09:02 PM

Thank You Penelope for the feedback.

Gehanna · 02-13-2005, 09:13 PM

I am laughing at myself because here is another poem I wrote in 1987. Apparently I didn't want to write this one and the only reason I did is because it was for a grade. Unfortunately, the grade is not on the paper so I have no idea what I got but here it goes:

A Sonnet on Sonnets

I hate to say this
Although it is true.
Sonnets get me miffed
And then make me blue.

I can't think of a thing to write,
I couldn't if I were paid.
I have to write one by tonight!
I could use a poetic raid.

It will take about four hours
While my head spins around
Because I don't have psychic powers
To find rhyming sounds.

What will happen to my grade?
If my Muse comes, am I saved?

It has been so long since I wrote this that I don't even remember what a Sonnet is

rcallaci · 02-13-2005, 10:12 PM

j luis

I couldn't have said it better. A definitive exposition
on the differences between japanese and western haiku.

warmest regards,
bob

Gehanna · 02-13-2005, 10:21 PM

Thank You J Luis for your feedback as well

flowersprite · 02-13-2005, 10:25 PM

Very Very good.

**Penelope** · 02-13-2005, 10:49 PM

In my capacity as a mentor - I'm going to suggest you post your poems separately to ensure maximum readership. As to the sonnet? I'll reserve comment because I get miffed at sonnets.

**Penelope** · 02-13-2005, 10:51 PM

I began writing haiku in 2003 at the suggestion of R. Mestre. The whole subject is explosive with contradictions which can only come from trying a craft which began in a foreign language. I love haiku and find it a good way to keep my writing concise and topical. I'm going to stick to what I learned then because it works for me.

flowersprite · 02-13-2005, 10:54 PM

The first one, but thats just my opion.

Gehanna · 02-14-2005, 12:41 PM

Thanks everyone and I will make separate posts from now on as well.

the phoenix · 02-14-2005, 01:53 PM

The first one is well written, it flows smoothly. What I don't like about it is that the idea behind it is rather simple, that colour is beautiful art. If I take a simple idea and use more words than necessary to describe it, I try to have those words expand on the original idea, go in different directions yet remain connected by a common thematic thread. This might be a matter of personal taste.

I prefer the haiku, I love the image it evokes. But "as if" means almost but not quite, and you also say "almost". Strikes me as a redundant, a word included to raise the syllable count. If you can replace it, the poem would be even better!

The Holy Moly · 02-14-2005, 03:25 PM

I liked A Sonnet on Sonnets.