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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-13-2005, 08:42 PM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Malaysia, if you dunno where that is, Pm me
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,898
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equality... rawr
If my mind thinks
Does not yours?
For we are only human
Those before
Those after
Share the same blood.
Created from the dust
Both you and I
Were made equal
To share what has been made.
Harmony.
Look not at the frown
Of the other mans face
Look not to the places
Blemished by wrong
For blemishes we all share
As what has been made
To be shared.
Harmony.
If one walks a hundred steps
And shuns the other
Who only took twenty
What then will another
Who has walked a thousand steps
Say to the one?
There is no inferior
There is no superior
There is only acknowledgement
respect to others
and love.
Harmony.
(This was written by a close friend of mine. I really liked it and he asked me to put it up in WF, so here it is.)
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02-14-2005, 06:04 AM
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#2
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Penguin-in-Chief
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Edinburgh
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,530
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Rather interesting.
I wouldn't say it's staggeringly good poetry.. the words are clear-cut, and the tone is almost preachy. I feel that perhaps the theme is somewhat overdone: for me personally it was very clear what the author was talking about after half of the poem, and the theme wasn't much developed beyond that point. I take issue with this stanza in the ambiguous terms of content:
Quote:
Look not at the frown
Of the other mans face
Look not to the places
Blemished by wrong
For blemishes we all share
As what has been made
To be shared.
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Why tell me not to look at the frown, if you say we all share it? Surely it should then be recognised and acknowledged, not shunned?
However, despite my negative comments, I do not feel that this could be construed as 'bad'. It's fairly interesting, and pleasantly uplifting in content. I would tell your friend to worry less about changing the world and more about writing artfully! |
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02-14-2005, 08:19 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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Hmm...I think you have a good general message...but I agree with Pawn, it comes off rather preachy. The format is kind of stark. Try combining some of your lines.
__________________
DELICIOUS
-CFH
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02-14-2005, 09:52 AM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Malaysia, if you dunno where that is, Pm me
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,898
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I'll try some editing and post it up again soon. Thanks for the comments  |
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02-14-2005, 10:31 AM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back 'home' on Tinian!
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,445
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what's 'rawr'?
__________________
For 100% free writing help/mentoring:
www.saysmom.com
"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi
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02-14-2005, 11:42 AM
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#6
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Penguin-in-Chief
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Edinburgh
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,530
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The sound that lions make, silly.
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02-14-2005, 01:27 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,850
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Does your friend mind you editing his poem?
__________________
A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.
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02-14-2005, 11:24 PM
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#8
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Malaysia, if you dunno where that is, Pm me
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,898
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He doesnt have to know! shhhhhhhh! 
im editing it with him. Kind of a project. |
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02-15-2005, 08:50 AM
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#9
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back 'home' on Tinian!
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,445
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well, yeah, pawn... but is that what the writer meant?
__________________
For 100% free writing help/mentoring:
www.saysmom.com
"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi
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