succubus - Writers Forum

rcallaci · 02-13-2005, 08:22 AM

Crossroads
A fork in the road
On the beaten path
She walks
I stumble
And fall

She sucks out the spirit from my wounded soul and walks upon
my broken bones with serpentine malice and a crooked smile. She
drags my mangled body across the rotted and desolate landscape
of her sickly domain. I’m thrown into a diseased infested hole filled
with her bile and waste and left to drown in her muck and mire.
My tears turn to stone as I’m left to suffer and die alone. I chose
the wrong road to walk on; for it appeared to be paved with gold

She had cherry lips and chocolate hips
-What a tasty little treat-
But when I took a bite their was no delight
For she was filled with vinegar and deceit
To her demonic web is where her sheep were led
To be put to slaughter on her hell wrought bed

For In beauty does Her Evil hide
And in Her toilet is where I lived and died

Amen! Amen! Amen!

To an inglorious and shitty End~

flowersprite · 02-13-2005, 08:34 AM

oh my how sad ...but I thought it was great!

Pawn · 02-13-2005, 09:07 AM

As you might have read from my various past comments on your work, I am hardly a worshiper of your style. It's all a bit melodramatic for me. Indeed, your rant beginning 'She sucks' in this work personifies much of what I dislike. I'm starting to find, however, that there's something uniquely enjoyable about your work that defies my ideas of 'good poetry'. A few of your lines in particular moved me to comment on this piece:

Quote:

She had cherry lips and chocolate hips
-What a tasty little treat-
But when I took a bite their was no delight
For she was filled with vinegar and deceit

Fantastically vivid, not just in terms of colour, but taste and scent as well. I can't escape this image of biting into a luscious maiden (avec cherry lips!) and having my mouth filled with the acrid flavour of vinegar. Fantastic!

rcallaci · 02-15-2005, 09:33 PM

Gigi

Thank you for the edit suggestions. They make the poem flow better. The toilet part adds to the dark humor of the piece or at least in my mind it does so I left in in. I'm happy you lliked it.

Pawn.

When I use religious themes or language in my poetry I tend to make it melodramatic for the reason that much of fundamentalistic bible preaching is way on the melodramatic side. That is the juice that I like to infuse in some of my pieces . Lanuage that is a little over the top.

I know my poetry is not your cup of tea so for you to comment that you found some of it enjoyable is a nice gift and brings a smile to these aged lips. ( I can't help being melodramatic). Thank you

flowersprite

I'm glad you enjoyed it

warmest regards,
bob

Beatrice Boyle · 02-15-2005, 11:59 PM

Bob...I think this is one of your best...I love your sardonic wit...always have! I just hope this wasn't written from personal experience...somehow I can't see you taken in by the wiles of a "crafty dame!"
But then...we ALL live and learn.

Bea