rexkingsley

They dont help at all
because they help you to fall
into the ice cold hands of death
six feet under the earth.

See, they have taken our brenda
to the place they took others
but how many more will go younder?
before our brains return to oder


What do you gain from this?
than writing your epitaph in bits.
Shut up! because you dont know what they give us
they give us plenty moments of bliss.

I am truly sorry for all of you
but i dont think you are all fools
i just pray that you will see the light
and change to live good lives

European_Son

I'm afraid this didn't grab me at all, there was no hooks in the ideas nor in the language. It seemed rather randomly composed, but without any interesting imagery or clever use of language to hold it together.

Don't be disheartened, just revise it somewhat and try and improve on the general idea you are trying to convey, and give the language and spelling and capitalisation a quick clean up.

By the way, did you really mean 'Oder', as in the European river that flows into the Baltic Sea?

__________________
the tea gods