lisajane

This is my first poem posting here. Enjoy.

Studio Alta

So many people means so little space.

I wait on the sidewalk,
crushed left and right by
businessmen with briefcases
and school girls in sailor skirts.
Their boyfriends’ hands are
going places they shouldn’t be.

The crowd pushes forward
from behind me.
My cheek meets the back of a man,
who turns, glaring at me
through his dark sunglasses:
I’ve disrupted his phone call.

A tap on my shoulder.
Someone I’ve never seen before
hands me a package and leaves.
The package is pornographic,
but I open it anyway,
discovering toilet paper.

In this day of technology,
Japan lacks in toilet paper department.

We’re still waiting.

The little man turns green.
Everyone moves along,
across the zebra stripes,
in a sea of black
to meet in the middle
with the people on the other side.

Then I stop.

People yell.
Horns blare.
Stomped on.
Sworn at.
Neon everywhere.

I turn and look
to see myself:
I’m on the huge
Studio Alta screen.

I stare at me,
and me stares at I.
I raise a hand and wave hello.
Light melts through my fingers.
I’m alone up there
and surrounded down here.

And I know where I’d rather be

No-body sees me up there,
and no-body sees me down here.
I turn and follow everyone
safely to the other side.

The screen image of me
is replaced.
The new, female J-Pop idol:
who the school girls sniff at,
who the boyfriends stare at,
who the businessmen secretly
wish to screw.

I am pushed along the sidewalk,
by the envious, staring and perverted.
Away from the lights.
Further to the darkness.

So many people means so little space
and I know where I’d rather be.

2nd Edit

__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

Scratches

Bleak, but incredible image of the screen. I liked this, it really created an atmosphere.

The lack of a "the" may or may not be intentional, but I thought it was great - it was very Engrish.

This reads a bit clumsily, as if the man's back itself is a turning entity that can indeed glare at you. Could be resolved with "my cheek meets the back of a man" instead.

Well done on this!

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

Pawn

A very interesting read. I will not say that this is poetically spectacular, in the sense that I do not think the words themselves are the best you might have chosen, but what I will commend is the perhaps more important issue of the work's content. An extremely experiential piece, which relates to us a fascinating experience, real or imagined, with some interesting little connotations. The very fact that you chose to write about this, and seemed to express an awareness of just what you were choosing to give the reader, made this very interesting.

For clarity's sake, I recommend punctuating this. It simply allows you more control over your audience. For example:

becomes

The crowd pushes forward
from behind me.
And my cheek meets a man’s back,
who turns, glaring at me
through his dark sunglasses:
I’ve disrupted his phone call.

Colons and semi-colons (and the obvious commas and periods) are great for adding a little direction to the reader. You may have consciously disdained punctuation, but if that is the case I would have to ask you exactly why. I think you probably need a reason to deny yourself that extra element of control.

I liked this little aside. Suddenly shortening your lines and adding that rhyme quicken things up nicely.

To improve the poem on a basic word level, there's probably some editing you could do here. For example:

becomes

I wait on the sidewalk,
crushed left and right,
by business suits
and girls in sailor skirts.
Their boyfriends’ hands,
go places they probably shouldn’t.

The changes are subtle but cumulatively tend to to tighten things up. Personally, I try and deal using only the words I absolutely need, but editing is very much a subjective process.

Thanks for a fascinating read.

__________________
C.A
Carpe Noctem
superlatenight.com

lisajane

Thanks Scratches and Pawn for the in-depth reviews. I was more focusing on the atmosphere and the imagination rather than the words in this, I'm pleased that it seemed to come out.

Originally the line Japan lacks in toilet paper department did have a 'the', which was taken out when the line was re-written by fault. When I realised I hadn't put it back in, I decided it seemed to read more interestingly without it.

I wasn't exactly bothering with punctuation on the first version and I generally have a habit of leaving it out for the most part with poetry. However, I have included it now and tightened some parts up.

All these changes are shown on the second edit, which has replaced the first in this post.

Studio Alta is a five story department complex in the Shinjuku area of Tokyo (I think Shinjuku Station is underneath it). It has a massive video screen on the building out front, which has been depicted on various animes.

__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

Pawn

A genuine improvement. Tighter. Good revision.

__________________
C.A
Carpe Noctem
superlatenight.com