When - Writers Forum

Death_and_her_Cat · 01-31-2005, 05:41 PM

There are two versions of this poem, I am not sure which looks better so I am letting you lot decide *nods* bonne chance.

When

When your heart feels like its aching
And your soul feels like its breaking,
It is the day for sorrow forsaking.

When people just keep on taking
And you get so tired of faking,
It is the day for quixck retaking.

When your body starts shaking
And you don't feel like waking,
It is the day for decision making.

or

When your heart feels like its aching
And your soul feels like its breaking,
When people just keep on taking
And you get so tired of faking,
When your body starts shaking
And you don't feel like waking,
It is the day for decision making.

Spudley · 01-31-2005, 06:11 PM

I picked the blue version.

I read the top version first, and even before I'd seen the second version, I knew that those two lines were the ones I didn't like. The poem is definitely better without them.

Hope that helps

mammamaia · 02-01-2005, 11:56 AM

the blue is better, but it still seems way too wordy to me... extraneous words weaken the impact...

...i'd also change title instead of just repeating the poem's already repetive word... would have better impact...

...here's what i'd do to simplify and make it more impactful:

Wake-Up Call

When your heart is breaking
and your soul is aching,
and people just keep on taking...
when you're tired of faking,
and your body's shaking
and you don't feel like waking,...
it's time for decision-making!

see the difference taking out a few words and changing a couple can make?...

hope this helps... love and hugs, maia

Death_and_her_Cat · 02-01-2005, 12:17 PM

Thanks Spudley for the comment.

As for Maia

you messed up my pattern, I get the point but the WHEN and AND are placed alternately for a reason and you messed them up, bad poet *just messing* still I get the point, I think I changed the wording for the rhythm or something along those lines.

The first two lines work together with the shortening which is fine, but the fourth line doesn't have the emphasis I put on it originally with "you get so" and it loses the rhythm with the line above, this is a poem of couplets with the Whens 'n' Ands. The edit to the 5th line is sketchy within the rhythm and its working with the next line, I'll have to think about that one. I certainly don't like the ... or ! punctiation that you added in, but thats just me.

mammamaia · 02-02-2005, 09:29 AM

"bad poet"???

don't know why that was called for, but if you don't like the advice/suggestions, just don't take it... i'll eschew offering you any in the future, ok?

**Penelope** · 02-02-2005, 09:40 AM

I chose the blue one and simply because it didn't repeat the 'taking' rhyme. I found it a bit cliché but it didn't pain me to read it. You begin lines with a capital 'And' which grates on me. It could do with some tightening up too but you seem determined to leave it alone.

Death_and_her_Cat · 02-02-2005, 01:45 PM

Maia, It wasn't meant as an insult really, it was something comic and a bit of a laugh, you know like someone messes up and you call them 'bad dog' or something like that? Its just good humour. And I criticised your criticisms, I did not simply reject them. If I insulted you I am sorry.

I just feel like it has a constant rhythm and might not need the "tightening up" Pen. I always begin my lines with capitals, either that or Microsoft word tends to do it for me I know it bugs some people but its hardly a final draft.