Chrismtyler

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European_Son

A fantastic first post- a thought-provoking piece thats I didn't quite understand, but I don't think it mattered. I reveled in the imagery and I enjoyed the jagged nature of the flow. Sorry about the lack of detailed critique on my part, I never was one for analysis, but keep up the good work. One to watch if you ask me.

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the tea gods

Chrismtyler

Thanks for the comment ES. I'm sure (and have been told elsewhere) that it requires continued work. It's not something easy to grasp on a first reading (and that's not really a good thing). A small hint, though, that it would assist greatly if the reader knew the inner workings of a revolver once the trigger is pressed. I really need to work on the first stanza as it obviously doesn't clarify that I'm trying for a bullet=memory (discharge = process of recall) metaphor.

Thanks again for your comments.

Chrismtyler

Thanks for your comments...I'll gladly elaborate, though I realize that is the task of my piece, which I'll have to work on some more.

I'm framing the pull of the trigger with a memory - namely, a New Years kiss gone wrong. If you'll notice, the first italicized pondering (i.e. the start of the memory)...(she needs a kiss but I) leads into the very next line (I/with two hands on...). I complete the thought more abruptly later when the arm (the hammer) strikes down in its finality.

Like I said, I've got to "polish" up on this one some more. I don't want the reader to have to work at it too hard.

ms. vodka

bravo.

Chrismtyler

Thanks ms. vodka.