I Melted Once - Writers Forum

European_Son · 01-30-2005, 10:44 PM

Saturday night,
"let's go to mine",
seven or eight in our party.
Jim was pouring,
and first up was Karl.
"Take it in one",
causing eyes to bulge,
mind to stretch,
set the wheels in motion.
I'll never forget his face,
"I'm going to die".
You won't,
you won't,
"go outside" and the pacing.
Next it is my turn.
"Do it in one",
I listened but underestimated.
Argh, the need for a liquid,
cold,
cool,
clear.

I'm handling it,
I'm handling it,
mild.
"You feel alright?",
"Yeah..."
"You might start seeing stuff in a minute."
"Yeah, I see what you mean..... .... ... .. .

I've been doing this forever,
I've been doing this forever,
I've been doing this forever,
I've been here forever,
I've been here forever,
I'm stuck in a loop,
I'm stuck in a loop,
I'm stuck in a loop.
Branches of pure energy,
memory-based visual universe,
television sets in a grid have nothing on me.
My fly eye visions repeat in each box.
Have I been doing this all my life?
Have I been doing this all my life?
Have I been doing this all my life?
the colours and the sound,
the colours and the sound,
Gillway leads onto Rawlett and the
have I been in this state all my life?
Is this all I know?

At times I thought it would never end,
I would be lost in the loop forever,
but with realisation,
I could stop repetitious thought patterns.
Open those eyes,
we want things to be clear.
"Jim"
"What?"
"Will you get me out of the bath?"
Deja-vu.

I am plucked from my boat,
the water like dynamite on my skin,
and the reaction from my mind
is that my vision has frames.
Four frames a second,
flickering shapes,
first with sharp edges,
second with a curve,
rectangular third,
and the fourth a mystery.
The absence of twenty,
slowing down my world.

The subconscious corridors of
the mind now illuminated,
my vivid abstractions of thought
were tempered by darkness.

Visualising my throat as a U-tube,
Rusty metallic tubing encased in flesh,
I look into the sink,
feeling the superfluous
warm bile on the move,
rising...

...There is relief,
and the rapture began,
I gained brief, beautiful, chaotic control,
until I saw the canvas,
cracked dry paint with the eye of a zoom,
creating situations collapsing,
curled like a ball & hiding from the world,
close up we ask questions concerning our
Creation
Is the universe a painting?

**Penelope** · 01-30-2005, 11:42 PM

I found this quite readable other than the mantra midway. There's a lot of 'stuff' I didn't get .. and I think it's like me being told ... You had to be there. The last stanza was wonderful.

European_Son · 01-30-2005, 11:52 PM

It was possibly a mistake to use such a personal piece as my first poetry post, but I've posted it now, so no harm done.

Most of my writing is fiction or semi-fiction mixed with fact, but it's fair to say that everything (and I mean everything, down to every last strange detail and idea) in I Melted Once happened to me... although my poem still comes no where near to truly describing the events of that Saturday night...

Pawn · 01-31-2005, 05:51 AM

"Jim"
"What?"
"Will you get me out of the bath?"

I can relate.

Fluid work, surprisingly readable for something so intrinsically personal. Will look out for more.

Druid · 01-31-2005, 07:16 AM

It read well, if a bit too narrative for my tastes.

I hope you never get hurt at those gatherings.

MisterSpider · 01-31-2005, 10:58 AM

I could do without all the repeating in the middle.

The bits of dialouge I can see as actually being said. Did you take actual conversations and put them in this piece? It's a cool concept if you did.

Either way, I thought this flowed well and, despite its length, didn't become boring.

And my absolutely favorite part of this is:

"rusty metallic tubing encased in flesh"

A really imaginative line. Well done.

01-31-2005, 11:36 AM

I think this piece had to be written exactly as it is for it to work... Obviously it's personal, and I am a true believer that writing personal shit is fine, if you do it correctly. You did that here, imo. The piece flows perfectly from your head and hands in probably exactly the manner in which it was felt. Thus, you have been true to your thoughts. Without this style we would have completely missed an era of work, so write on, and as long as you are writing pieces such as this, continue to keep your voice as honest and brave as it was here. And as long as I'm posting comments, please forgive my extensive use of run-on sentences... lol.

ms vodka

European_Son · 01-31-2005, 11:47 AM

The repetition was needed, for it was possibly the most overwhelming part of the whole experience. Basically, I took the 'substance' and then slipped out of conciousness, and I fell into some sort of mind hole where every thought I had felt like it was repeating endlessly in an evolving loop. Of course, this is very difficult to convey in a poem, but as ms vodka rightfully said, I am being true to my thoughts, and so the repetition is neccessary.

The snippets of conversion are true and precise to the word also, despite this event happening four years ago, I still remember clearly what was said and when.

And as for the "rusty metallic tubing encased in flesh" line, well, that was possibly the worst feeling I have ever had. I kept having immense hallucinations of my own throat being a metal tube, as if someone was showing me a cut away, complete with flesh surrounding the piping and sick slowing rising up the tube. Not fun at all, but once again, totally neccessary when trying to convert those memories into words.