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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
01-30-2005, 09:38 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Facing West
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,179
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Memories should come with warning signs
Two years: that's how long it has been.
No phone calls,
No letters,
No visits.
Two years: that's how long it took.
The feelings,
the longing,
to let me be.
Two years: everyday I thought of you.
Dreamed of you, dreamed of us.
Not wanting to hear from you,
but dying to call.
Two years: pain free,
and now the pain has returned.
Hiding in a fog of desire and hatred.
I'm confused and lost.
Two years: is this for real?
No games, just truth.
Tell me not what I want to hear,
But what I need to.
Two years: of progress,
now erased,
by a simple "Hello".
Memories should come with warning signs.
__________________
Founding, but disgraced, member of the Gigi fanclub
Go Banana!
I am recommended by 2 out of 3 x-girlfriends.
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01-31-2005, 07:53 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
Posts: 204
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I'll save the puppy dogs death and just say it reminds me of a type of poem that speaks its reason and then explains it in the following lines of the stanza, it's called didactic. I think that type is more fitting for explaination though.
Nice dog 
__________________
No thing happens at random but all things as a result of a reason and by necessity.
(Aetius 1.25.4=67B2)
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01-31-2005, 11:29 AM
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#3
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This is great. How truthful. Excellent job of nailing this topic on the head. I especially like how you say that the two years of work are erased with one telephone call.
I don't really have any criticism of this piece. It stands nicely the way it is... besides, I like the dog!
ms v
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01-31-2005, 11:34 AM
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#4
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Forum Hottie
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Florida
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,522
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Barr,
This is so true. I say we petition for those warning signs! Tell me where to sign. Very well written piece, no critique here either.
Nae
__________________
Years of practice only to find, practice is for amateurs. Live life without a script...
Renae L. Soler
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01-31-2005, 02:50 PM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oregon again
Gender: Female
Posts: 731
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I would have stopped at the line "Memories should come with warning signs." I think that feels more like the natural ending and would have made a better emotional impact.
__________________
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. -Sarah Williams
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01-31-2005, 05:16 PM
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#6
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Penguin-in-Chief
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Edinburgh
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,529
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I agree with Kat. Your final stanzas overstate it. I also suggest replacing your semi-colons with colons: a colon can be used to introduce an explanation, which fits your usage better than the semi-colon, which is a more ambiguous linking of two related ideas.
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01-31-2005, 05:38 PM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Facing West
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,179
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Thank-you all, I changed it around abit, taking in everyone's advise. I like it better now that I moved that stanza to the last...thanks Kat And Pawn....
Barr
__________________
Founding, but disgraced, member of the Gigi fanclub
Go Banana!
I am recommended by 2 out of 3 x-girlfriends.
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01-31-2005, 09:35 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
Posts: 204
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Those suggestions really helped your poem. Reads much better now.
__________________
No thing happens at random but all things as a result of a reason and by necessity.
(Aetius 1.25.4=67B2)
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02-01-2005, 06:41 PM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Facing West
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,179
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Thanks Druid.
__________________
Founding, but disgraced, member of the Gigi fanclub
Go Banana!
I am recommended by 2 out of 3 x-girlfriends.
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03-07-2005, 08:00 PM
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#10
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Facing West
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,179
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Hey Nae...still wnat to start that petition??
Barr
__________________
Founding, but disgraced, member of the Gigi fanclub
Go Banana!
I am recommended by 2 out of 3 x-girlfriends.
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03-07-2005, 08:03 PM
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#11
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Utah
Posts: 906
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Oh my, I love the title to this one especially, it's what sucked me in. This is simply marvelous the way it is in my opinion, but I read it after it was edited. Was this a personal experiance?
Tyson
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03-07-2005, 08:11 PM
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#12
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Facing West
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,179
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You betcha...and it's still going on...what can I say, I'm a sucker...
barr
__________________
Founding, but disgraced, member of the Gigi fanclub
Go Banana!
I am recommended by 2 out of 3 x-girlfriends.
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03-07-2005, 08:12 PM
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#13
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Utah
Posts: 906
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Figured, seemed to be derived from your life, but that was kinda overt.
Tyson
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03-07-2005, 08:42 PM
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#14
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Facing West
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,179
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yaa...I am a bugger for punisment...but hey, my messed up love life gives me soemthing to write about..
Barr
__________________
Founding, but disgraced, member of the Gigi fanclub
Go Banana!
I am recommended by 2 out of 3 x-girlfriends.
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03-07-2005, 10:06 PM
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#15
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Facing West
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,179
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Thanks Bobby7L....always gald to hear a compliment...
barr
__________________
Founding, but disgraced, member of the Gigi fanclub
Go Banana!
I am recommended by 2 out of 3 x-girlfriends.
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