A Statue of Ash - Writers Forum

riadohaed · 01-27-2005, 01:49 PM

The black clouds surround me
Reeking with the stench of my imperfections
Weeping, my fists clenched,
At the thought of your indiscretions

The dream started as a blur
all i could see
my chest seared open
And the biting of the fleas
gnawing at the mold on my heart
decayed and hollowed

The images sharpened as
Your excrement fell down my face
I endured it to feel the warmth of your embrace
I some how know
You can see me standing there
At the edge, blinded, heart crossed, and hoping to die
Your eyes burn my back as you stare

You blow a kiss my way
A backdraft of flames rush up
from the doors of hell opening
I have no flesh left
on my body
on my soul
ripped from the bones
or burnt black as obsidian

my human is null
a statue of ash

Scratches · 01-27-2005, 02:02 PM

I liked everything except the excrement. I mean... gnarly.

riadohaed · 01-27-2005, 02:09 PM

ahhah yea well its prettier than saying you shit on my face and i take like a champ!

Scratches · 01-27-2005, 02:12 PM

Heh. Judging from the rest of the poem you want it gruesomeness-intensive. By the way, the last stanza or two were just great.

riadohaed · 01-27-2005, 02:21 PM

Thank you much this poem means a lot to me big part in the healing process...

statue · 01-27-2005, 07:25 PM

Very strong, though I found you wrote in a controlled way as your apoplexy didn't give too far into your want to take vengeance. The stanza before the final couplet gave me an,"oh my! my, my! What an image" feeling.

Great flow, I like, muchly.

Rkay · 01-27-2005, 07:55 PM

The black clouds surround me
Reeking with the stench of my imperfections
Weeping, my fists clenched,
At the thought of your indiscretions

I felt this was a good opening stanza.... the correlation of the stormcloud and corresponding emotions fit snugly..... suggesting rain - weeping, and that the tempest cares not - it rains on all - you are imperfect and the other committed indiscretions... says it all.

The dream started as a blur
all i cloud see [ could ] (?)
my chest seared open
And the biting of the fleas [ possibility of dropping the "and" ]
knawing at the mold on my heart [ gnawing ] (?)
decayed and hollowed

Curious how you phrased that "on my heart" as if to say that the decay is still external and invading but actually has not startee 'IN' the heart.... the only snag I see is the suggestion of decay and hollowing which in the reading points toward the heart and not the mold or is it the mold being referred to?

The images sharpened as
Your excrement was falling down my face
[ Your excrement fell down my face ] (?)
I'd endure it to feel the warmth of your embrace
[ enduring this to feel your warm embrace ] (?) or something like that?
I somehow know
You can see me standing there
At the edge, blinded, heart crossed, and hoping to die
Your eyes burn my back as you stare

I put up possible alternatives for the lines.... just to have a look at. It may help or throw off the tone of you poem but yeah, an offering all the same.

Minor discomfort of irregular lengths of individual lines there. It may be more optical than anything else.

You blow a kiss my way,
A backdraft of flames rush up
from the doors of hell opening
I have no flesh left
on my body
on my soul
ripped from the bones,
or burnt black as obsidian

I see no harm in dropping the "or" and just allow the thought to follow and modify the result of that backdraft of flames on the bones.... What do you think?

my human is null
a statue of ash

That line bothers me somehow.... my humanity? My humanness? my humanity nullified? I feel if that line could be reworked and made the last line and leave "a statue of ash" as the title then it won't read like an odd extra bit appendaged to the poem. That's just me though. Hope you don't take it as 'Scripture.'

Rkay

riadohaed · 01-28-2005, 01:20 AM

rkay dude you went all out thank you, you pointed out a lot of little errors... im kind of a retard when it comes to grammar and spelling! thank you for your suggestions i might just use all of them!

**Penelope** · 01-28-2005, 10:10 AM

I would suggest you begin again. This one really seemed to be an exercise in how to vent effectively without displaying any rhyme or reason why. I'm not big on this type of poetry because - after a while - it all sounds the same. Just another voice crying out in the wilderness.

Rkay · 01-28-2005, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by riadohaed

rkay dude you went all out thank you, you pointed out a lot of little errors... im kind of a retard when it comes to grammar and spelling! thank you for your suggestions i might just use all of them!

All kool dude. I had my stint as proofreader/spellchecker for various school papers and such.... let's say they pounded that into me.... I still make heaps of mistakes though... hehehehe....

As for the suggestions.... well... the power of control is in your hands... just glad to help....
And what Pen say, there is a deep realism in that truth.... I believe we all will have a couple or so poems like this.... and that is a good thing. And there are other types of poetry - which, well, we have a huge themepark in which to play in.....

And hey, hope that healing process is well toward completion....

Laters,

Rkay