Orion - Writers Forum

Sorean · 01-26-2005, 10:50 PM

Poetry is definately not my best form of writing, but I still like to try now and then. This poem is called Orion.

Orion, tell me what you see,
O, Warrior of the night.
What can you see in me,
This boy filled with fright?

You have seen the ages go by.
You have seen kings come and go.
You have seen great men die.
You have seen thinkers go to and fro.

Now tell me what you see for me.
Surely you of all are outside hours.
Do you already know my destiny,
You who have seen Babylonian towers?

You have watched the greatest writers,
You have seen the best we are,
You have known the fastest fighters,
All from your lonely home afar.

From your lofty heaven on high,
You will see Terror's mind bend.
You will witness me die
You will once again see my end.

rashadow · 01-28-2005, 05:36 PM

Hmmm...

Not hitting the right marks with this one. I think you need to give a cleaning and re-release. You seem as if you couldn't think of rhyming words to fit certain parts so you had to fit certain thing where you could. This in turn makes some of your lines hard on my mind's rhythm. You need to reformat this to read more fluidly.

Try reading it to a metronome or any steady beat and see what you could come up with.

Quote:

You will once again see my end.

I think that this was your most powerful line and actually conveys what you are trying to say almost perfectly. I want to see more of this.

Quote:

You have seen thinkers go to and fro.

Not more of this.

You feel me?

However, all in all,
Good effort.

mammamaia · 01-29-2005, 11:48 AM

on-target comments by rashadow... and good advice... i'll show you one way i think you could improve this, with a bit of a sample revision, paying better attention to meter and wording [note that orion was/is not a warrior, but a hunter]:

Orion, tell me what you see,
O, guardian of the night.
What can you explain to me,
a boy with man's poor sight?

You have seen ages go by,
kings who come and go.
You have seen how many die,
some great, who fell so low.

Now tell me what you see for me,
how I'll spend my last hours.
For, you must know my destiny...
what fate o'er my life towers.

...this is just one way you can make more sense and give this poem a more pleasant flow and sound, as well as the consistency that's lacking...

...if you'd apply the same principles to the rest, you'd have quite a nice poem... the idea is a good one, it's just the execution that needs a little work...

...hope this helps some... hugs, maia

Sorean · 01-29-2005, 05:36 PM

Noted. Thank you both for you input. I'm going to make some changes, and I'll probably resumit it in a while. Thanks for the input.