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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 01-26-2005, 10:39 PM   #1
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winterowned
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Blank thoughts of a thougtless mind

Blank paper
to write on.
Thoughtless mind
to depend on.
Creativity shot,
lost words.
Nothing to gain,
naught to lose
What to do,
fight on.
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Old 01-26-2005, 11:52 PM   #2
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I'm not wild about the redundancy in the title. The poem is short and sweet and I didn't see any errors.
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Old 01-27-2005, 11:52 AM   #3
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your title is somewhat redundant; perhaps you could change it a little. Also, many of your lines end with the word 'on'. is this intentional, or did that happen accidentally. It creates a very repetetive feel.

I like though how you compare writing to fighting onwards,s triving to put words down on a piece of paper

~Rico
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Old 01-27-2005, 12:06 PM   #4
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statue
Nice piece, for its brevity it really speaks. I feel like that almost too often when you have thoughts without knowing the use of the tools to get them out as an idea.

I thought the last line was possibly too short, the only minor suggestion is to change the comma on the previous line ( I didn't think it gave the last line merit). Probably a use of the em dash instead( -- ), to broaden the influence of the last line? I don't know though maybe the comma does it justice.
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Old 01-27-2005, 01:12 PM   #5
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I wasn't stoked on the title to begin with. I want something shorter but not necesarily creative, kind of to match the theme. Maybe "Blank Paper" or something of the nature.
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Old 01-27-2005, 01:57 PM   #6
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I get nothing from this... a poem about nothing... i feel nothing no emotion is envoked i see no point in this... just my opinion
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bits of my thoughts glued onto computer paper and taped onto your monitor.
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Old 01-27-2005, 10:01 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by riadohaed
I get nothing from this... a poem about nothing... i feel nothing no emotion is envoked i see no point in this... just my opinion
that was the idea.
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Old 01-27-2005, 10:26 PM   #8
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hm, a poem about nothing. how worthless and forgettable. i'm sure you'll agree, considering it was the point.

thanks, then.
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