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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
01-26-2005, 10:39 PM
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#1
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: charlottesville, va
Posts: 38
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Blank thoughts of a thougtless mind
Blank paper
to write on.
Thoughtless mind
to depend on.
Creativity shot,
lost words.
Nothing to gain,
naught to lose
What to do,
fight on.
__________________
boring sig
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01-26-2005, 11:52 PM
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#2
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Just North of Boston
Gender: Male
Posts: 561
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I'm not wild about the redundancy in the title. The poem is short and sweet and I didn't see any errors.
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01-27-2005, 11:52 AM
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#3
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Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Italy
Posts: 6,052
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your title is somewhat redundant; perhaps you could change it a little. Also, many of your lines end with the word 'on'. is this intentional, or did that happen accidentally. It creates a very repetetive feel.
I like though how you compare writing to fighting onwards,s triving to put words down on a piece of paper
~Rico
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01-27-2005, 12:06 PM
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#4
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Writer
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 25
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Nice piece, for its brevity it really speaks. I feel like that almost too often when you have thoughts without knowing the use of the tools to get them out as an idea.
I thought the last line was possibly too short, the only minor suggestion is to change the comma on the previous line ( I didn't think it gave the last line merit). Probably a use of the em dash instead( -- ), to broaden the influence of the last line? I don't know though maybe the comma does it justice.
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01-27-2005, 01:12 PM
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#5
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: charlottesville, va
Posts: 38
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I wasn't stoked on the title to begin with. I want something shorter but not necesarily creative, kind of to match the theme. Maybe "Blank Paper" or something of the nature.
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boring sig
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01-27-2005, 01:57 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 319
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I get nothing from this... a poem about nothing... i feel nothing no emotion is envoked i see no point in this... just my opinion
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01-27-2005, 10:01 PM
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#7
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: charlottesville, va
Posts: 38
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by riadohaed
I get nothing from this... a poem about nothing... i feel nothing no emotion is envoked i see no point in this... just my opinion
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that was the idea.
__________________
boring sig
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01-27-2005, 10:26 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 304
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hm, a poem about nothing. how worthless and forgettable. i'm sure you'll agree, considering it was the point.
thanks, then.
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my avatar is cooler than yours.
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