TheUnnamedhero

I wrote this poem last night, I was inspired by a song by Modest Mouse called, 'Bankrupt on Selling.' The first half of the songs sings about how the apostles would sell out their savior. this made me Isaac Brock was singing about this condition the humans have to want. everything is material. the humans have actually corrupted the 'purest of pure' when, later in the song, "all of the angels, theyd sell of your soul/for a set of new wings, and anything gold." So, yeah, that is kinda of what inspired me to write this. have fun with it.

-Zack


The Human Condition
by:Zack


I've got this condition.
The want I need;
I want to need
these things.
No matter how hard I try,
theres no denying this love;
these things.

Condition over-looked.
So many have;
have so many.
They want.
No love is truly greater
than the need they all have
and they want.

The purest of pure,
they are,
yet still
they have,
The Human Condition.
Given the human corruption.
Purest of pure
no more.
Given the human corruption.
"The Human Condition"

__________________
"Slowly I'm driving myself crazy, headed down a dead-end road." -WASTeD

LoneWolf

First, I love that song, and second, I loved this poem! It was very catchy, I liked the play on words type thing. The repetition was cool too, since it emphasized the human corruption. However, I did feel like the word 'want' was used too many times in the first two stanzas. 'Want' is a hard sounding word, so it being used so much kind of taken away from the fluidity (is that a word?) and distracts the reader.


"The purest of pure,
they are,
yet still
they have,
The Human Condition.
Given the human corruption.
Purest of pure
no more.
Given the human corruption.
"The Human Condition""

I loved this ending. It was very catchy, esp. repeating the same thing but changing it up a bit to give it nice ending, final feeling...if that makes sense at all. lol

Overall, very nice. Keep up the good work!

L. Wolf

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

TheUnnamedhero

wow, didnt expect such a good response. thank you. i will see what i can do about the 'want' thing. thank you for the good feedback.

EDIT: on a second look, no, i think i will keep it how it is, the want is a important part of this. thanks anyways.

__________________
"Slowly I'm driving myself crazy, headed down a dead-end road." -WASTeD

Philo

'truly' is spelled wrong.

This read like lyrics to me. I skipped the prologue you wrote because I wanted to read the poem on its own, but I went back and read it and I'm not sure I understand it, but it may be that because I don't know the song you mentioned.

In any case, the repetition of words and phrases, especially at the end gives it that lyrics feel. I think some cutting would help this as a poem.

TheUnnamedhero

I fixed the spelling of truly, thanks for mentioning.

If you would like me to send you the song, my yahoo messenger name is: theunnamedhero@yahoo.com

__________________
"Slowly I'm driving myself crazy, headed down a dead-end road." -WASTeD