Okee dokee, let's see if I can do a good critique today...
Well,
"the life of me slowly drips from my body."
That was kind of an awkward way to say that...it would flow better like, My life ebbs slowly from my body, or something like that.
"heart beats lessen."
Heartbeats slow, maybe? Or My heart's joyous dance lessens, something like that perhaps.
"seconds counting
d
o
w
n
lacerate my skin . . . this bloody mess is my.perfect.murder
sight distorted.
white is black.
upside down looking up at the ground. "
I like this part a lot. Very visual, as well as passionate.
"days filled with hope of tomorrow
nights abounding with your kiss <3"
I liked this ending, but I was still confused about the overall theme of this piece. Was it talking about a lover shunning you, and how hope was dashed?
Besides all that, I liked it a lot. It was very nice, written in a different style, so it was interesting to read. I loved the imagery and so forth...keep up the good work and I hope I helped...my head's a bit foggy tonight!
L. Wolf
