Indian Summer - Writers Forum

NicB. · 01-25-2005, 09:27 PM

I edited this poem, but left the original at the bottom.

Indian Summer - Revision

On this dark January night I gaze out,
Arms lifelessly hanging over my balcony.
A trace of the warm summer air I love,
Hints at the memory of your face;
Slowly infiltrating my soul
As it journeys to a peaceful rest in my lungs.
But summer air never placates my memory;
A memory polluted by your hate,
But more so, my inability to comprehend you.

My mind still wanders to your memory;
Wonders where you are, what you do.
Why I had to be the same old me.
Why you had to be the same old, beautiful you.
And wander my mind does…
Surfing silently on the cool night air,
While it races aimlessly through your long hair.

I remember how we would lay there,
Window open, breezes rattling the screen
As they pushed through the tiny mesh wire;
Mesh wire that kept everything out,
Except what we had already let in.
We would lay there; laughing about nothing,
Crying about nothing, talking about nothing,
Thinking that time was nothing as it flew swiftly by.
I know now, all your nothings, all my nothings,
All ournothings, were indeed something.

And something is what I need now,
While I lose myself in an abyss of thought.
I still fight hard, just like I always have;
Yesterday, today, just like I always will.
But the gentle air gracing my fingertips
Reminds me of your long, wavy brown hair,
Cascading softly as it brushed against my face.
I surrender slowly and breathe in this pure air,
Naively hoping it will clear this littered mind.

Indian Summer - Original

On this dark, January night I gaze out,
Arms lifelessly hanging over my balcony.
A trace of the summer air I love,
Hints at the memory of your face,
As it slowly infiltrates my soul,
On its brief journey into my lungs.
But, summer air never clears my memory,
A memory polluted by your hate,
Even more, my inability to comprehend you.

My mind still wanders to your memory;
Wonders where you are, what you do,
Why I had to be the same old me.
Why you had to be the same old, beautiful you.
Wander my mind does,
Surfing silently with the cool, night air,
While it races aimlessly through your long hair.

I remember how we would lay there,
Window open, breezes rattling the screen,
As they pushed through the tiny mesh wire;
Mesh wire that kept everything out,
Except what we had already let in.
We would lay there, laughing about nothing,
Crying about nothing, talking about nothing,
Thinking that time was nothing, as it flew swiftly by.
I know now, all your nothings, all my nothings,
All our nothings, were indeed something…

And something is what I need now,
While I lose myself in an abyss of thought.
I still fight hard, just like I always have,
Just like I always will.
But the gentle air gracing my fingertips,
Reminds me of your long, wavy brown hair,
Cascading softly as it brushed against my face.
I surrender slowly and breathe in this pure air,
Hoping naively that it will cleanse this littered mind.

NicB.

Pawn · 01-26-2005, 10:52 AM

A poem lucidly born of a tangled brain and a heart brimmed by longing. To be honest, as I prefer to be, the actual poetry of this piece didn't overly impress me: I felt it would have been a better work were your word repetition (except the 'nothing' sequence) reduced. A couple more periods amidst all those commas would've been nice too: I felt I was reading it far too quickly. But these criticisms are only allowed through the ability of the critic to temporarily desensitize themselves to the poems emotion, which here was hugely manifest. You communicate so very clearly the experience of inescapable memory, and I was glad to see you include situational description, which gives the piece a pleasing grounding in reality; indeed, it was all painfully real. I would have liked to see you dwell a little more on the remembering itself, rather than the memory, but I guess it's only fitting to write a great deal of the poem's initial originator (she) into the work.

Basically then, no substantial criticisms to make. It almost goes without saying that I enjoyed reading this a great deal and that I, and I imagine many others, can relate with it perfectly: everything down to the feel of the air in and around your body.

Good to see you again.

NicB. · 01-26-2005, 05:54 PM

Thanks for the critique, Pawn. I agree with you that the commas need cleaning up and that some of the series may be too long. I need to revise when I get a chance. I am glad you liked the thoughts behind it though, and thankful other people identify with such feelings. Thanks for previewing...

NicB.

NicB. · 01-26-2005, 09:47 PM

Pawn,

I revised slightly, see if it makes it better or worse...

Thanks,

NicB.

Pawn · 01-26-2005, 10:40 PM

Better. Still a couple of bones to pick:

Quote:

But, summer air never clears my memory,
A memory polluted by your hate,
Even more, my inability to comprehend you.

My mind still wanders to your memory;

'Memory' used three times in four lines..

Quote:

As they pushed through the tiny mesh wire;
Mesh wire that kept everything out,

Don't much like the repetition of 'mesh wire'. Up to you.

I'm not sure whether the italicised 'our' works. The line should emphasize 'something' very prominently, and 'our' is detracting. Also, consider using the odd colon in the stead of a semi-colon. They're underused, methinks: they can introduce an explanatory phrase rather nicely.

At this point, you can either have a go at filtering out some of the remaining chaff in a Pawnesque butchery, or leave it and call it a job well done.

NicB. · 01-26-2005, 10:50 PM

Haha...your critiques are good, usually things that I am on the fence about myself so it is nice to have a second set of eyes reinforcing some thoughts that I debated on prior. I will have to read it over again tomorrow though, as my eyes are no longer catching what they need to.

I will say that I made the "our" italicized so that if you read the italics together, it would read "our something", as opposed to all my/her nothings. I dunno, the idea kind of fumbled into my head while I was rereading so I thought I'd try it out.

Anyway, thanks a bunch for your remarks, they were well received.

NicB.

Pawn · 01-27-2005, 07:55 AM

Fair enough. I enjoy commenting on your work, as I know you'll take it in the right way. I'll keep my eyes out for a revision if you decide to make one, else I look forward to our next encounter.