The Whales - Writers Forum

flowersprite · 01-22-2005, 10:46 PM

The sea is a lovely
place, it's full of
beauty and of grace,
the most surprising
thing of all, is the
Whales when they call,

thrusting their tails
as they go, to a place
no one knows,
deep in the ocean
blue, they travel
to somewhere new,

If we are blessed we
might see, the beauty
of the whale in the
deep blue sea.

Ilan Bouchard · 01-22-2005, 10:59 PM

To be ruthless, I didn't like it. I thought it was too straight forward, simple, and plainly written. The title seemed a little preachy, as well.

I apologize for being so blunt, but if I lied I wouldn't be much help.

**Penelope** · 01-23-2005, 02:19 AM

Actually, I liked it because it was softly whimsical and sort of a siren call. Siren as in sea sirens not police ones.

flowersprite · 01-23-2005, 02:17 PM

Thanks Pen

Ilan Bouchard · 01-23-2005, 03:22 PM

Flowersprite, I didn't mean to offend you. You should understand not everyone will like everything you've written. You will always get contradicting opinions; people have told me a story was written beautifully, others told me it was overkill and too flowery. I take both comments into consideration, as should you. Sorry, if I was too rash.

flowersprite · 01-23-2005, 07:29 PM

sorry none taken. I just get alittle discourged sometimes.

Thanks..Flowersprite

Pawn · 01-23-2005, 08:41 PM

It is indeed far too clean-cut. Far too blunt. May as well say 'Save the Whales!' It has a few redeeming features, but basically felt simplistic and almost meaningless. I beseech you, continue writing poetry, and keep criticisms in mind, don't just stop writing it, or stop posting it.

Ilan Bouchard · 01-24-2005, 06:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pawn

It is indeed far too clean-cut. Far too blunt. May as well say 'Save the Whales!' It has a few redeeming features, but basically felt simplistic and almost meaningless. I beseech you, continue writing poetry, and keep criticisms in mind, don't just stop writing it, or stop posting it.

It did say Save the Whales...

river-wind · 01-24-2005, 02:41 PM

I personally find trying to write simplistically is very difficult - you ride a very fine line between artistically simple and cheesy.

I have to agree with Ilan on this one - the alterations in the line breaking aren't enough to overcome a lot of rhyme-embellished statements...If we are blessed, we will see the awesomeness of the whales, but that sight is not shown here - it's told to us.

again, no insult or anything meant - feel free to vent in one of my posts if you disagree.

and keep posting, I think For Raymond has a lot of potential.

Pawn · 01-24-2005, 07:08 PM

Quote:

It did say Save the Whales...

I was referring to the line being an adequete replacement for the entire poem. Yes, I know it's slightly unfair.

flowersprite · 02-04-2005, 08:52 PM

Thank you everyone for your help and your interest. I appreciate all your help, and For Raymond is my fav.

Druid · 02-04-2005, 10:57 PM

I enjoy the whale theme, even if it did make me think of the movie Free Willy. I liked the flow, if it was any other type of whale I probably would not have pictured it so freely moving.

Keep them coming

flowersprite · 02-06-2005, 05:51 PM

thanks.. I know I have lots to learn.