This is one of my first poems - written about 7 months ago. I'm looking for new feedback now that my style has changed.


Timeless

His breath: a whip to strike my skin.
(Staccato gasps from deep within.)
Take this wrist to bed and with silken cloth embrace it.

(Two breasts become compression)

Surely passion begs of power
"Release this bond - but not with haste!"
As strength surrenders under flowery musk to covenant unwritten.

Mercy begged and mercy granted
Perfect balance struck and stricken

(The taste of memory - the taste of ancestry)

Blackness fading into light and resting on smallest finger.

Mystery be not divine
Ignorance be not bliss
When one knowing taste proves both to be but frivolous haste.

salvothasock

its okay. a little corny i think. i mean its not bad. i thought the (two breasts become compression) was corny. some nice imagery. lets see, taste is different to other people. from a technical aspect, no i dont want to get into technical junk. just write from your heart. this one seems too pampered, uh a bit overworked as a whole. nice word usage though... just my opinion.

__________________
purple junk diluted iguana infested snarkleberries hungry traveller

s:

You know, I completely agree. I needed to hear someone else say it to confirm my belief. I think my newer stuff is vastly improved.

Thank you!~

gigi