Last Call - sonnet *one rude word* - Writers Forum

**Penelope** · 01-21-2005, 09:52 AM

So many good men, all down on their luck.
Each sad tale was inspiration to drink.
How could I know they just wanted a fuck?
Sympathy pains brought me up to the brink.

There was a time when a smile would delight.
It was artless to believe in romance.
Then came snaggle tooth grins of savage spite.
I’m wiser but still entranced with the dance.

I used to be swayed by sweet flattery.
Truer words were never spoken with charm.
A long gone lover slapped sense into me.
Therefore, I am not so apt to disarm.

If you conclude: I’m too jaded by half.
Please don’t forget, I’m still good for a laugh.

PFA
21/01/05

[an:b8ae885919]Sonnets have rules regarding rhyme sequence and IP. Rather than repeat what I've come across, I'll simply refer readers who want to try a sonnet to this explanation. http://www.yk.psu.edu/~jmj3/cre_sonn.htm[/an:b8ae885919]

Jp · 01-21-2005, 10:00 AM

Wonderful*

Londongrey · 01-21-2005, 10:00 AM

Oooo, you sexy leather mistress you, yes, I still remember your photograph.

What a lovely piece Pen, I felt that the scansion was off a little in places, but that's just me being picky, cos I'm at work and in that frame of mind!!! *sniff*

I love this message, just because you are not as naive as before it does not mean you cannot have a laugh, what a perfect message.

Alex xxx

Ilan Bouchard · 01-21-2005, 04:51 PM

Good sonnet! It was nice to see a sonnet that wasn't about love (I'm having trouble breaking away from those, I think this'll help). It was good, a perfect subject and couplet.
The only thing I can critique:

Quote:

There was a time when a smile would delight.

This is eleven syllables, and thus loses its IP at "a smile." That's the only thing I noticed.
I like the first stanza best, it sets up the situation perfectly.

**Penelope** · 01-21-2005, 05:01 PM

I can only see ten syllables Ilan. I've counted it three times.

Jp - I'm glad you liked it! Alex, I did a few revisions to address some nitpicky things that were bugging me too.
Ilan - I don't think I've ever written a sonnet about love. It's a subject I tend to avoid most of the time - besides - Nae always does it so much justice I'm content just to read.

Ilan Bouchard · 01-21-2005, 05:07 PM

Oops, I counted smile as two syllables.
10 or 10, I hope to see more.

**Penelope** · 01-21-2005, 05:10 PM

well .. simile has three!