Off to Bedlam - Writers Forum

americanwriter · 01-20-2005, 07:55 PM

Wonderful. We all should take a little stroll to see how the other side lives just to keep our own reality in check. But then, if we did, we may never want to check back in.

This is a great piece of work!

MisterSpider · 01-21-2005, 08:30 AM

Thank you for the gracious compliment.

Londongrey · 01-21-2005, 08:32 AM

I agree.

I liked the kick to it and just like an good piece of writing the last line kicked most of all.

Brillliant

Alex

**Penelope** · 01-21-2005, 08:39 AM

While I found this charming, the lack of rhythm made it less appealing. It was a bit too herky-jerky and would have preferred not to see word repeats. Of course I've read some of your brilliant stuff which makes me have higher expectations of you.

MisterSpider · 01-21-2005, 02:51 PM

Penelope:

I find rhythm very interesting in how people view it. Some people may "get" the rhythm of this piece, while others think it is off. It's different for everyone for every piece.

Every time I read this it flows perfectly because I know exactly how I want it read, which is the problem: I need to make the rhythm universal. Adding punctuation would help. If anyone has any suggestion on what I should do, please share.

As for the repeating words, I use "somersault" twice to describe what the loonies do and then to explain to the reader that when the boy somersaults away, he is turning into a loonie.

The other repeating words, at least in my opinion, strengthen the nonsense in the piece.

I love your comments, by the way, because they really give me an insightful view on my writing.

commander221 · 01-21-2005, 04:31 PM

I really like how your poem told a great story. It painted details in my head. I especially enjoyed hearing about the loonies.(it reminds me of me

)
Joe