Lost Love - Writers Forum

Jp · 01-19-2005, 03:39 AM

If only her islet in the sea
hasn't faded to a distant dream;
a dream thats sprit has went
to a cement jungle's screams
for frolics on its absent sand.

But, maybe if Hamlets sigh's
could of ceased their gestic ways;
Indecisive ways I'll never forget,
Not sweat, nor tears cried
could of made me a decisive guy.

yet, only I loath those gimlet eyes,
but Mr Edgar Poe, and me
are known to love a piercing gin.
My jaded eyes have not since
gazed upon her beauty , nor it's likeness

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This is the first version of the last stanza. I left it so the reader could have a chance to read it.
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yet, only I loath those gimlet eyes,
but Mr Edgar Poe, and me
are known to love a piercing gin.
So my jaded peepers have not since
laid eyes on her beauty, or its likeness.

Jp · 01-19-2005, 01:50 PM

After reading this poem a few time I have notice that the 2 line in the third stanza needs work. The sound of the word, "So" does not fit the sound of the stanza around it. I would really like it if one of you could help me out here. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks

gordon · 01-19-2005, 06:49 PM

sloe brown for Poe and me
G

Jp · 01-19-2005, 06:52 PM

what?

gordon · 01-19-2005, 07:19 PM

Sloe as i n sloe eyed connection with poe as in poe and me
brown as i nthe color
?
You said second line verse 3
G
What is a little vauge whatever is how i feel
Write your own thing
G

Jp · 01-19-2005, 07:22 PM

No I ment the first word of that line. (SO)

Jp · 01-19-2005, 07:24 PM

And maybe I did not want the feelings out in the, "air of the night."

flowersprite · 01-20-2005, 12:39 AM

This is very hard writting at least for me it would be . I love it.

Jp · 01-20-2005, 10:34 AM

I do not know what to say to that, but thank you for reading my writing.

flowersprite · 01-20-2005, 10:41 AM

I meant that alot of the works I dont know what they mean. I need to work on my vocabulary.

flowersprite

Jp · 01-20-2005, 10:25 PM

oh I see, I kinda was figuring though

Novicewriter · 01-20-2005, 10:29 PM

I happened to like it...

Keep it up

Jp · 01-21-2005, 04:35 AM

Thank you, "interesting" thank you, and I certainly will keep it up. I hope the poem I am writing now interests an much as this one did.

JeRome R Simms · 01-21-2005, 08:31 AM

I know you did not refer to the last two lines of the final stanza . yet try this read of it . I also agree the ( So )does not seem to fit.

from:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jp

So my jaded peepers have not since
laid eyes on her beauty, or its likeness.

to:

"My jaded eyes have not since
gazed upon her beauty , nor it's likeness"

I am sorry , for I'd rather not change or alter the writings of another . Yet I too at times value the critique of others . may my humble effort be of assistance to you .

Jp · 01-21-2005, 08:43 AM

Thank you

I love it.