Poem for the Ancient Cultures - Writers Forum

river-wind · 01-17-2005, 05:47 PM

First off, the formal "this is my first creative post here" ass-kissing.
There is some great writing here. In complete seriousness, there really is. And that why I want to post my stuff here so badly. I want to get your eyes and thoughts on it as quickly as possible, because I do respect what I have read so far on these boards.

This is the first in a series of poems designed to tell the world history of the setting for a series of prose stories I'm working on.
It still needs a title.
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Poem for the Ancient Cultures

For the Terosn and Unistan
the Great Song was Sung
of fallen leaves
and flakes freed
by branch legions bared.
The earth heard, as it had done.

Of clouds from which rain flung
saplings grown tall
and new shoots sprung
from moist marl between rocky fare.
The sky listened, as it had done.

The passage of time, as if begun
anew with society's creation make,
dwindles in the eve
the sun to break and aware.
While the stars set, as they had done.

The fight passed crown
their hatred cooled memories ache,
lying still and stunned
forsaken now both declared
In children and stories, as they have done.

For the Terosn and Unistan
the Great Song was Sung
carving a path to follow
as the path they follow runs.

Jp · 01-17-2005, 05:59 PM

Could I get a little back ground info on the culture in this poem. Also after you do that I have spoted a few breaks in the flow, but for the most part I like it.

river-wind · 01-18-2005, 10:09 AM

the two original cultures are farming communities which have finally achieved a form of unity and central government, roughly at the same time. They fight on a constant basis, and in the end destroy each other.

The grand farm fields which were eventually used to produce food for the major cities are overgrown when they fall, which is in part what the above poem is covering.

When I said "this is the first of..." I should have said "this is the first written poems of a series; and will be the fourth in a series of seven":
1) creation and destruction of Uram tower
2) building of the two nations
3) Tercelti war west of the kingdom, and the short-lived non-aggression pact
4) Dying Cultures (done)
5) Dark Ages
6) Founding of the New Kingdom
7) Ascension of the main character's Family 3 generations before start of books.

So this poem isn't all that descriptive of the cultures themselves, I'm working that into the earlier poems (which are currently steaming piles

).

thanks for the response; where are the breaks that you are seeing? Should I try and add a bit more specific information as to the fall itself, or does the tone convey the idea enough?

**Penelope** · 01-18-2005, 10:13 AM

I suppose this is based on fantasy? I read it and found it - um - okay.

river-wind · 01-18-2005, 02:04 PM

yeah, based on fantasy fiction. What about it did you not like? anything in particular, or the whole tone? too over-done?

Scratches · 01-18-2005, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by river-wind

Of clouds from which rain flung
saplings grown tall
and new shoots sprung
from moist marl between rocky fare.
The sky listened, as it had done.

I'm not big on poetry OR prose based on fantasy worlds (I didn't even think people wrote poems such as this) but I found it well written. I liked the "as it had done" refrain, too. In the above quote I didn't think "of clouds from which rain flung" makes sense. You need to either put "clouds from which rain was flung", or change flung. Left like this, the rain is flinging something, and we never really find out what it is.

Unless you mean it was flinging the saplings, which I can't picture.