Soul-mates On Their New Dawn - First draft - Writers Forum

Jp · 01-17-2005, 10:06 AM

Soul-mates On Their New Dawn

My skin felt a strange warmth
not like spring, winter, or fall,
but summer twas closest by far.
A consuming presence of sun
as the frigid night radiated on;
It shed light on our years apart,
and a feeling I've known her heart,
all It's ridges, folds, and scars,
Somewhere amongst eons,
and somehow under the stars
my soul-mate became a vision
I was sure I'd never dawn.

**Penelope** · 01-17-2005, 11:15 AM

I like this very much. What it hints at as opposed to being flagrant. A sense of melancholy due to lost opportunities .. perhaps distance? maybe years? Not sure but there's enough to carry the reader through.

A few niggles - Its instead of It's (a mistake I continually make) Don't quite 'get' the last line and I want to. Last lines and titles really make or break a poem but I'm flexible enough to realize I don't have to 'get' it for the poem to fly.

Jp · 01-17-2005, 11:18 AM

It hints about distance, and years. The meaning I was wanting to gently get across was the feeling of a past life with out blurting such an abstract notion for all to read.

**Penelope** · 01-17-2005, 12:38 PM

when it comes to writing - especially poetry - abstract concepts are not only acceptable - they just very well might grab someone who feels the same way. Don't be afraid of such ideas. There are so many theories which support them which means others feel the same.

01-17-2005, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jp

A consuming presence of sun
as the frigid night radiated on;
It shed light on our years apart,

Jp,

I love this. I like these little chestnuts that are compact but delicious.

I like the mindscape you made. It's like blue velvet.

I like the three lines above. Frigid/radiate really grabbed me. Please let me know how you meant the presence of sun vs. frigid night.

Lans

Jp · 01-17-2005, 01:27 PM

Like blue velvet, Thank you!

I wanted to used the sun to discribe the warmth I feel by her, but the only way I could go this is having the, "setting" be at night. Then I was saying that the night shed light on our time apart, and a feeling that I had know all of her ups and downs.