Lost At The Alter - First draft - Writers Forum

Jp · 01-17-2005, 03:10 AM

The Last Alter Boys - First draft

Old ways shrink, growing tame with time
Metamorphic ever changing in design
Like the cocooning Butterfly
Leaving the Caterpillar behind
Leaping from the shadows of it's life
Like the youths innocence, and strife
Lost, caused by the bestowing of what's, "right"
found in the forgotten truth outside of lies.

A land of desperation, but its all too dignified
by the wear of wagon wheels on a road less tried.
A road cloaked, bent, and tortured with vines;
tangles of sodomy, beatings, and helpless cries.
Screams of children who are buried on it's sides;
boys, and girls who couldn't fight their lives.
Cries that are echoed in the silence of chimes
from the church towers, and those who haven't died.

I don't like the tittle, but its subject to change. If any one of you have a tittle I would will take it in to consideration. This is the first thing I have wrote since I got back from my misadventures in Colorado, so I feel I've broke my writers block.

Finally...

**Penelope** · 01-17-2005, 04:04 AM

tittle?

How about Lost Boys At The Alter - or Lost Alter Boys

I liked the poem quite a bit. It deals in specifics rather than getting lost in wisps of fog like the other poem I just commented on.

Jp · 01-17-2005, 04:09 AM

How about, "Lost At The Alter?"

Thanks, I think I will keep that.

Now hey how about if i change the last line to this:

from the church towers, and those who haven't yet died.

**Penelope** · 01-17-2005, 04:16 AM

The last line needs work because to my mind it trails off. I'm a little bleary eyed though. Your new title is great.

let's see

Quote:

Cries that are echoed in the silence of chimes
from the church tower, and those who haven't died.

Cries are echoed in the silence of chimes
as church towers exalt the language of lies. ???

Jp · 01-17-2005, 04:19 AM

I'll change the title, and I will add an S to the end of towers, but i'll just have to ponder on the end for a bit.

**Penelope** · 01-17-2005, 04:20 AM

oh .. there are a few errors as well. like to instead of too .. stuff like that. A few 'the's could be edited out as well.

**Penelope** · 01-17-2005, 04:21 AM

Would you like me to do a total critique? Bleary eyed not withstanding, I really like this.

Jp · 01-17-2005, 04:25 AM

Thanks,

I am blurry eyed as well, although I write better like that. The only thing is, normally I end up editing, but hey as 2 pac said, "thats just the way it is.

Jp · 01-17-2005, 04:26 AM

Yes I would love it if you would, and thank you Penelope.

**Penelope** · 01-17-2005, 04:44 AM

Quote:

Old ways shrink, growing tame with time
Metamorphic ever changing in design
Like the cocooning Butterfly
Leaving the Caterpillar behind
Leaping from the shadows of it's life
Like the youths innocence, and strife
Lost, caused by the bestowing of what's, "right"
found in the forgotten truth outside of lies.

Old ways shrink, growing tame with time
metamorphis creating change in design.
Like a cocoon birth of Butterfly
leaving Catapiller behind.
Breaking free of the shadows of life
as innocence's lost in clouds of strife.
Lost in an atmosphere of chanted 'rights'.
found in forgotten truth outside of lies

Quote:

A land of desperation, but its all to dignified
by the wear of wagon wheels on a road less tried.
A road cloaked, bent, and tortured with vines;
tangles of sodomy, beatings, and helpless cries.
Screams of children who are buried on it's sides;
boys, and girls who couldn't fight their lives.
Cries that are echoed in the silence of chimes
from the church towers, and those who haven't died.

A land of desperation, far too dignified
like wagon wheels worn on a road less tried.
A path cloaked, bent and tortured with vines
tangled in sodomy, beatings and cries.
Screams of children left by the roadside
who couldn't fight for their fragile lives.
Cries echoed in the silence of chimes
as church towers exalt the language of lies.

Jp · 01-17-2005, 04:57 AM

Thank you Penelope I'll use some of the changes you made, but a lot of the wording you used is just not me. Anyways you helped me think of some new wordings, and some new line structure. I dunno, but I'll get back to you with the revishion ASAP.

**Penelope** · 01-17-2005, 05:10 AM

I never expect writers to shift gears into something which isn't them. However, when I do revisions and critiques I can't get away from what's fundamentally me. That's why poetry works so well. The range of voices creates harmony instead of a toneless chant.

Jp · 01-17-2005, 05:29 AM

True.