_underscore

Its as if we kept track.
Some sort of system
that numbers the days.
Every yesterday added together,
so many infinities to get to here.
And it all comes to this,
the sum of all our minor parts,
our petty roles.
(all come to this insignificant whole)

I was ready everyday of my life,
and I sleep in on the one day that matters

Clocks beg me to move,
To take a step in the predawn twilight.
The stars are in retreat.
The sun advances.
The morning paper proclaims
Today is the day that matters

My bloodshot eyes,
my tired clothes,
my outspoken voice,
my pitiful reflection,
They come alive today.
To catch me at my worst

And I thank you for waking me,
I am ready to be judged.





Im sure im not suppose to do this, but I dont like the last line, I liked it when I wrote it but now im not so sure. If you feel it ruins the poem, assuming theres anything to ruin, please say so.

flowersprite

I agree it would be better. Thats just my opion I cant write as well as you do. Good work.

soul proof

Yeah, Idon't really understand the last line. I like the ideas you've come up with but I have a couple of thoughts.

You seem to be splitting your lines very short,

Its as if we kept track.
Some sort of system
that numbers the days

If you take this for example. I find it hard to make sense of because its so split. It stops it from flowing, maybe you could take out the full stop and put the third line together with the second.

Just a suggestion, I think this could be really, really good