God is dead (profanity) - Page 2 - Writers Forum

kerpoe · 01-14-2005, 05:36 PM

Thank You Nae!

I have seen you around poetrybang.com...welcome to wforums. At poetrybang.com I'm under the name "scholar-of-war" incase you wondered.

Enjoy your time here!

salvothasock · 01-14-2005, 05:36 PM

bravo, good poem, a good observation at all things past in the news, yes, i see how it is similar to 'howl' in that its a listing of all things that ginsberg felt strongly about in the 60's. i suggest, writing some more pieces like this. maybe youll find your own voice in the process. i found i liked to write like burroughs, kind of all-over the place type writings. if youre just beginning to write, say a year or less, then this is a decent way how to come into your own. anyone know how that quote goes? 'dont borrow because it still belongs to the one you borrowed from, steal, and make it your own'

hope to read more!

kerpoe · 01-14-2005, 05:41 PM

Well thank you. So you write like Burroughs eh? I'll make sure to check out your stuff

WordBeast · 01-14-2005, 06:58 PM

kerpoe, there is a strong echo of Ginsberg in this piece, but it has its own kind of post-modern angst style without being derivative. The language is raw, to be sure, but the issues you've taken on are also raw, so the tone and tenor are entirely appropriate.

Powerful stuff!

kerpoe · 01-14-2005, 07:32 PM

Im glad you addressed the fact that what I've taken is raw and I appreciate you complimenting me

Best Regards Word Beast

kerpoe · 01-14-2005, 07:58 PM

Sorry if I have offended anybody. This is pretty raw material for a 14 year old to be writing about.

kerpoe · 01-14-2005, 09:22 PM

So I take it no one is offended?

nae411 · 01-15-2005, 08:41 AM

14 year old? OMG you are a genius! I was impressed before, now I am totally in awe. You are brilliant! I was just coming back to say thank you for the welcome, I was going to welcome you. This is actually home turf for me. I will look up your work at the bang. Incredible!

Nae

**Penelope** · 01-15-2005, 09:03 AM

I've waited for a time before commenting because I was curious to see what other people thought about this. Then I decided I wouldn't read their comments and put forward my opinion.

If anyone wants a lesson in how to attract readers, simply follow the same principles when posting a title. If they want to keep readers' attention, they'd better be able to deliver something of merit.

This rambles on far too long so the impact is totally lost. The use of the vocabulary is excellent but by the time I got half way through, I'd lost interest.

My advice would be to remove at least half of this and keep the focus on the worst of the worst instead of widening the noose.

Think of a corral packed full of horses. Would you be able to spot the thoroughbreds amongst the ruffians? I think not.

kerpoe · 01-15-2005, 12:50 PM

my bad Nae hadn't realized you've been here for so long

Penelope, thanks for the insightful advice and will do.

kerpoe · 01-15-2005, 04:03 PM

Penelope...I've seen your critiquing and admire your "frankness" so I have one more question. Did you feel the voice was well suited for the piece?

kerpoe · 01-15-2005, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nae411

14 year old? OMG you are a genius! I was impressed before, now I am totally in awe. You are brilliant! I was just coming back to say thank you for the welcome, I was going to welcome you. This is actually home turf for me. I will look up your work at the bang. Incredible!

Nae

Well Nae you've made my YEAR by calling me a genius. I wouldn't go as far as calling me that but thanks anyways!

**Penelope** · 01-15-2005, 10:20 PM

In response to your question directed at me. The tone is right on the money. It's clearly defined with elegant words rather than blasphemy. You create a tension which weakens due to the length and the list. The pent up rage dwindles and that was my problem with it.

I've read a lot of stuff by 14 year olds which is comparable to this and have read meaningless piffle by people who claim maturity due to age. Age means nothing, you either have insight or you don't.

I had insight when I was eight, I just have a hell of a lot more respect because I'm viewed as being of a respectable age. Horse hockey.

A question for you. Why would I bother posting meaningless responses? Does anyone gain anything from that? I'm frank because I care about the quality of the work and if people want to be taken seriously, they know the value of honest critiques. It doesn't mean I'm right, it's just ONE opinion.

gordon · 01-15-2005, 10:51 PM

kerpoe this is by no means definitive
The amateur approach is no where near Ginsberg
Lets get some perspective here
It reads well and I agree with Pen is too long
I got bored after verse 4
As to the subject it is current yet much of this piece feels forced to me as if you felt you had to be topical and somehow controversial at the same time
This is where it sounds like many teen angst I have read many times
Clever vocabulary does not paste over the many cracks in this poem
It rambles and loses any sense of form far too soon
No doubt it meant much to you as the writer yet to me as a reader it felt lost in a sea of clever words
I felt the need to reach for a dictionary far to many times.
It has no real understanding that is my main problem
Sounds good but doesn't deliver for me without depth its meaning is lost
G

**Penelope** · 01-15-2005, 11:11 PM

Gordon makes an excellent point which I don't happen to agree with. Vocabulary is there to be used and while the simplest words can rock a soul, so can well versed ones. It's all about the message and the medium and being true to self. If you use the words because you love them, it will shine through. If you use them to impress, it will be brassy and shallow. In my view, your love of language was sincere.