Comatose

It’s possible I killed myself that night-
‘Cause not one feeling followed the next day-
Alas, if not perhaps at last I might.

The thought of life fills me with secret fright.
The memories like shocks jerk me away.
It’s possible I killed myself that night.

Grounded not, but something binds me tight.
Feelings slip, I cannot make them stay,
Alas, if not perhaps at last I might.

Just how can I describe this wretched plight?
How can I speak the words I can not say:
“It’s possible I killed myself that night.”

Black swoops in again: a shadowed blight.
A sigh, alas the dues I’ll never pay-
Alas, if not perhaps at last I might.

I wonder if I know inside what’s right?
I wonder if it’s flesh that feels this way?
It’s possible I killed myself that night-
Alas, if not perhaps at last I might.






Note: This is my first attempt at a villanelle. I think I at least got the form right!

Novicewriter

Interesting poem....Like i've said and i'll say it again I have a hard time understanding poetry...BUT I like it... Keep up the good work.

NW

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"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

Penelope

GG - You already know via e-mail how much this poem impressed me. It's got all the right moves and keeps the flow tight while continuing the thread of thought. The only small niggle for me is using the word 'pain' because it's too close to 'pay' and a not quite rhyme but it's a minor detail. One of the skills of writing a good villanelle is to make sure the repeated lines twist and turn around within the poem. You've done that well in my opinion.

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"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Good catch, Pen! Thanks! I went over it and made a minor change.

Glad you read it, really I am. It's very difficult for me to write this way. I still don't feel it's 'me', but when confronted with new situations, who's to say we won't behave differently?

L

nae411

GG,

If this is not you, it certainly does not show. You made yourself right at home in this villanelle. Reread it a few times and liked it more with each read. Good job!

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Penelope

GG!!! I was going to suggest the edit that you used! Are we on some sort of cosmic wave length or something???

I think what this shows is that you are game enough to take up a challenge and have the skill to carry it off. That is a writer in my book. Now .. how about a triolet? I double dare you!

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"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

eleutheromaniac

Overall, not a bad first effort.

-'cannot' is one word

-I think there should be a comma after 'if not'. Also, those lines only have nine syllables. While I realise you're not using iambic metre, I think you should still try to keep syllable count in mind for form and rhythm. This is perhaps why the flow seemed a little off to me.

This line doesn't quite sound right, does it? Maybe it's just me.

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Augmented Reality

flowersprite

I like it and I could feel the sadness.

B.B.:

You are so right. Holy cow I can't believe I missed the syllable count in the repeating line. Wow! Thanks for pointing that glaring error!

I will have to look at the shock line, too. I liked that one because I really thought it grabbed the feeling of coming to consciousness from a coma (or in my case out of anaesthesia) well.

Thanks for the comment, Maniac. I always appreciate your eye.

Lans

Nae: You are familiar enough with my work by now to see the me in it, aren't you? I don't know why I pick such bizarre topics! Lol!

Flowersprite: Thank you very much for catching the sentiment. I appreciate your read!

Penelope: Thank you for the challenge. And YOU know me well enough to know I can't resist!

gigi

Okay, I made a couple of changes based on Eleu's comments. I changed a repeater to "Alas..." instead of "Oh,..." What do you think? Does it work? Also, I added an "And" in front of the 'shock' line.

gg

nae411

These topics come to you because you are one of the most creative writers I have read. If it came to me I'd be like "what in the hell am I supposed to do with this?" You are good girl.

Nae

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Nae:

Thank you honey for one of the most bitchin compliments I've ever received on my writing!!!

Lans