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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 01-03-2005, 06:38 AM   #1
Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 39
Hysteria
The Silence Within

Silence fills my mind
Everything to find
Tearing up my heart
Breaking me apart
Rotting to the core
All my dreams and more
And somehow losing sight
Because there is no light
Silence fills my soul
Everything it stole
Slowly killing me
Or all that I could be.
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Old 01-03-2005, 06:47 AM   #2
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: England
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,236
Scratches
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Ooh. Morose! Something that struck me was, the line, "Because there is no light" sounds a little staccato and doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem. Maybe "from the fading light" or something? Well done, though, the rhythm carries this poem nicely.
__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom
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Old 01-04-2005, 01:46 AM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 39
Hysteria
thanks Scratches

I really like that line... i will use it...

I was thinking of that feeling where you think you are capable of learning so much more, and yet you can't/don't.
Anyway thanks again Scratches!

revised
-------------------------------
Silence fills my mind
Everything to find
Tearing up my heart
Breaking me apart
Rotting to the core
All my dreams and more
And somehow losing sight
From the fading light
Silence fills my soul
Everything it stole
Slowly killing me
Or all that I could be.
Hysteria is offline   Reply With Quote
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