"I lie to myself to think I don't miss you
Disappeared from me
How did your month go?"
"I lie to myself so everything's alright
Has it really been five days
But those last two nights
Yet your image is still burned in my head,"
In the first one, going from "Disappeared from me" to "How did your month go?" threw me, because it was such a big jump in subjects, and I wanted to add something in front of "Disappeared from me", like "Ever since you..."
In the second one, you left "But those last two nights" lingering a little...I wanted to add something onto them, I dunno what. Did you mean the last two nights you were together, or the last two nights she had left?? And you said "How did your month go?", but then said "Has it really been five days." I was kind of confused.
One last thing, in the second one, you can eliminate the 'Yet', since you already say 'But' in the line before. And the last two lines were halting to me, I guess you could say, because you rhymed two words so close to each other, which is out of character with the rest of the poem. Maybe something like,
" Yet your image is still burned in my head,
I lie awake again, thinking,
Aren't we both better off dead?"
Also, I didn't really get into the flow of this piece...sometimes it had a little rythm and then it fell apart, kind of. Maybe if you divided it into stanzas (is that right?) it would be more flowy and easier to read.
Wow, longest critique I've ever done! I hope I wasn't too mean!! I tried to be gentle...but overall, I did think this was a great poem...I can relate to it
ps: If anyone else reads what I wrote, will you please tell me if I did a good job? I'm always afraid to critique things!!
