Farror

Seducing shadows,
succulent shade,
a tempting taint,
a price unpaid.

A despair for souls,
a twist of guilt,
lies have been told,
fabrication built.



(The last line bothers me)

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A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.

Penelope

hey you rhyming person .. not .. how about using quilt instead of built? Goes with the fabrication and layers of lies.

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"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Scratches

I'm thinking it should end with a 3-syllable adverb before the word "built." Somethingly built. I'm sorry. That's useless.

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

Farror

I don't know that quilt would work that well in this instance Pen, at least, not without changing the rest of that line. (Off topic: your getting a bit critical of my rhyming these days aren't you? I didn't have trouble finding things that rhyme with it, just something that worked well with the poem.)

Scratches, I could work with your idea. How does "cunningly built" sound?

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A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.

LoneWolf

lol no, Scratches, I think that made sense. Something like 'So carefully built'. But then that doesn't really go with the rest of the poem, because uh...yeah, I don't think I'm doing any better.

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Scratches

Yeah, you get my idea. It fits the rhythmic structure well.

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

Penelope

fabrication as in fabric works well with quilt but fabrication is a clunky word. deceitfully built?

Critical of rhyming shade with unpaid? Who? Moi??

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

kerpoe

I don't think the quilt would work either because he's telling us that "fabrication was built" it formed, came together and so forth...quilt may be more poetic but doesn't really fit...or unless I misinterpreted it!

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Scratches

I just dislike words like "quilt" in poems. In this case my reasons are:

1. The rest of the imagery is very rich, and quilt just seems kind of... everyday. Whimsical. That's just me.
2. It reminds me of the days when uninspiring teachers told us to write poems about winter, and every lay under the same damn "blanket of snow." That's also just me.

This is how I'm spending New Year's Eve. Thinking about how the word "quilt" annoys me. Pity me!

Farror, pray tell us what you choose to go with in the end.

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

WordBeast

Hi Farror,

Just a suggestion from a newbie upstart:

Based on the theme of your poem, instead of "fabrication built" how about "deception built" ?

WB

ps. Your poem has a flow, a sound and a simplicity that I like.

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My karma just ran over your dogma.