Not sure what to call it - Writers Forum

SycoKitty6 · 10-26-2004, 02:14 PM

He stands there watching
Over-looking at what he's just done
The madness in his eyes begins to weaken
While he's there, but not alone.

Outside a siren rings through the night
The rain beats on the window
And a light shines through to the body
That makes no sign of movement
And will never move again.

He realizes how wrong it is
Of what he just did
And how worthless it seems now
To have gotten rid.

What he thought of as his love
Is lying on the ground
Breathless and still.

Instead of laying down to cry
He carries her over his shoulder
Out into the cold of outside
Where he lays her down
And further down still
Into the hole which he has dug through the ground.

As he is burying her to hide her forever
Under concealment to never be found
He's realizing he could dig for eternity
But he'd never be able to hide her from his mind.

It's a poem I had to write for my English class. It was supposed to represent guilt.

Jp · 10-26-2004, 03:36 PM

s1 L2 - over-looking at, if was to be over-looking what I had done, I would not have to tell you that I was looking at it.

over-looking to me sounds funny, I get what your saying, but still its' weird.

Id write:
Over-looking what he's just done

I was thinking maybe trying to combine stanza 3, and 4 to make one. Something like this:

s3 L1, L2, L3, L4
s4 L1, L2, L3, L4

He realized the wrong
though he waited
for his love to be gone
He thought her fate
Oh, how worthless it is now
she lying on the ground

s5 Tinker with it a bit.
s6 Tinker with it a bit.

s6 if I am burying someone it normally to hide them, I would not point that out.

s6 L3 Maybe, you should say something like to hide her from prying eyes that might be found.

Tittle: From Some Eyes you cant Hide

I like the poem but it has some issues; moreover, It does represent guilt, and nice peace of lemon shaped love on the side.

Pawn · 10-27-2004, 01:35 PM

It should be "Overlooking what he's just done". There's no hyphen, and the 'at' is incorrect grammar for some reason or another.

I didn't particularly like this, I'm afraid. This kind of thing has been done to death, and I didn't think you added anything particularly exciting in your interpretation. Then again, for school, who cares.

SycoKitty6 · 10-27-2004, 01:43 PM

I didn't really take a whole lot of time on it...I don't like it much either. Poems aren't my thing, I can never end them and the words don't flow right. I find stories much more fun and easier to write. I was just curious as to see what kind of responses it would get.

Pawn · 10-27-2004, 01:44 PM

Naturally.

Good luck with the prose.