(Ottava Rima) - Here we are - Writers Forum

Druid · 09-22-2004, 07:00 PM

Well let's hope this makes up for my last heresy. . .

Here we are; wherever belies our size,
to be like something more impossible.
Too far, I say you, from compromise
while dillusion becomes the ineffable,
as theories hide, in wait, to analyze
over nature which is more palpable,
and for certain to measure what is right
until what is truthful becomes plain sight.

Before the one altogether harmony;
A reality that contrives what is
(like origin of truth) life simply,
as for what our temporal limit does,
Binding us by a fire so mightily:
for we are both sex, and thought with this.
Where our beginning happens just as much
as life when answered by deathes touch.

-Druid

Pawn · 09-22-2004, 08:34 PM

Your meanings hide under a tangle of superfluous words and inexplicable grammar. After going through this with my brain engaged, I still have no idea what you mean by

"Before the one altogether harmony;
A reality that contrives what is
(like origin of truth) life simply"

You don't start out too badly. Line three needs a 'to' in 'I say you', and a comma at the end. 'analyze over nature' doesn't actually make sense. Further, 'over nature which is more palpable' is a line entirely contrary to the flow of the work - I suggest changing it to much the rythm. If you don't know what I mean, try reading it to yourself out loud as if you hadn't written it. A comma after 'over nature' would help. Your second stanza or part is confused and clumsy. What are you trying to say?

Druid · 09-23-2004, 10:23 AM

That was the first draft and I appreciate the commentary. I think some of what you said will really help this, but I must think of a better way to transcend from stanza 1 to stanza 2.

Here we are; wherever belies our size,
to be like something more impossible.
Too far, I say you, from compromise,
soon illusion becomes the ineffable,
and critics hide, in wait, to analyze
deep sabled smoke; to place on a table,
and bore their holes to measure what is right;
common sense was never just in plain sight.

Like origin of truth: Life simply,
as for what our temporal limit does
--Before the one altogether harmony;
is reality that contrives what is,
Binding us by a fire so mightily:
for we are both thought, and sex with this.
Where our beginning happens just as much
as life when answered by deathes touch.

Lord Brazle · 09-23-2004, 02:46 PM

I'm not the type to deconstruct a poem. The majority of people in the world who would read it aren't gonna know pentameter or feet, etc. So I don't even bother with learning them (but I do know 'beat'). Or trying to critique a piece by noticing a lack thereof. When I read something, that's all I do and wonder if I like it or not. This one I'm unsure.

For starters, the rhyme-scheme is totally thrown off, in the 1st "table" doesn't work no matter how hard I mumble it and in the 2nd, "does" is the criminal. Also, it seems the second stanza is too short. Maybe glut the lines out just to make them balanced with the 1st. Add irrelevant words like "the", "to", "and", etc. This poem is a fresh change from the four-line therapies I've seen but I think you still need to play around with it a bit. right on right on.

Druid · 09-23-2004, 07:24 PM

Well thank-you for the words but the structure being an Octava Rima poem means that I had to follow a ababcc dedeff Rhyme scheme. I tried to follow pentameter by strictly having a 10 syllable count but I guess I could open it up and conform to a more approximate one. Say throw an 11 or 9 line in somewhere, I doubt it would take away from the poem plus I'd say that it would make everything flow a bit better. What say you? Would you do that or just find better words to match the R.S.?

Druid · 09-24-2004, 06:45 AM

2nd revision, thanks for the help Lord Brazle, it should flow a little better now.

Here we are; wherever belies our size,
to be like something more impossible.
Too far, I say to you, from compromise,
soon illusion becomes the ineffable,
and critics hide, in wait, to analyze
deep sabled smoke; no place so maleable,
and bore their holes to measure what is right;
common sense was never just in plain sight.

Like origin of truth: Life simply,
what lost temporal untruth never says
--Before the one altogether harmony
is reality that contrives what is,
Binding us by a fire so mightily:
for we are both thought, and sex with this.
Where our beginning happens just as much
as life when answered by deathes touch.

-steve

Pawn · 09-24-2004, 07:46 AM

Some progress. Your first stanza is largely OK. Basically, I still have very little idea what you're saying in your second stanza - I would rather believe the flaw is in your inelegance rather than my intelligence.

"Like origin of truth: Life simply,"

...No idea.

"what lost temporal untruth never says"

Never says what? What 'temporal untruth'? From your earlier versions I can only assume you're referring to mortality.

"--Before the one altogether harmony;"

Death?

"is reality what contrives what is,"

A question without a question mark? If not, I don't understand.

"Binding us by a fire so mightily:"

Mortality?

"for we are both thought, and sex with this"

Eh?

"Where our beginning happens just as much
as life when answered by death's touch."

A stupid way of saying 'Once'?

--

All in all, this is definitely not your style of poetry. This poem should be free verse. And it would be nice if it made some sense.

Druid · 09-24-2004, 01:12 PM

Ha!
true it was my first attempt at octiva rima, maybe if I cut the second stanza out. . .

But I would like to still think that what I've written has some merit(

) and I did think a few thoughts while writing it, so it shouldn't be abstract or ellusive.

So let me see if I can go through it to possibly point out my own errors as my punctuation does seem to be misplaced a lot.

Like origin of truth: Life simply,
what lost temporal untruth never says

-Ok, these differ from after my edit in the first attempt to symbolize how truth really never speaks to us, how it eludes. I tried to transcend from stanza one basically the concept of scientific thought and their methods of analyzing things to solve questions. 'Lost temporal untruth' was me just giving an image of what 'life simply' means.

--Before the one altogether harmony
is reality that contrives what is,

-Now here is just my attempt at comparing what life simply means in front of the natural design of things, thus, harmony. When I use 'before' I mean in front of. This harmony I come to is in fact reality which is what most people live in; life then is contrived of reality.

Binding us by a fire so mightily:
for we are both thought, and sex with this.

-yes binding us by a fire I do indeed mean mortality and that which is, complete. I say we are both sex and thought with this just to unite the previous fact that we are mortal and being mortal we have choices.

Where our beginning happens just as much
as life when answered by deathes touch.

-Well I was more-or-less saying that when we die it is just a new beginning for life, thus how life becomes answered by death.

But yah, seeing how I did have to explain this (more so just the second stanza) means it has already lost it's meaning and though I've said some words it is not as if I tried to make it pretty, elegant, or even abstract. I apoligize for the confusion within my poem, I'll try to not let it happen again.

-steve

Edward · 09-24-2004, 01:20 PM

I would have replied the same, reading i get a small sence that it has a great deal to do with nature, but i dont know how.

I would at first glance assume you write more of a free verse style, which is personally more to my liking.

I know the meter, and beat, but as Lord Brazel, i choose to (somewhat) disregard them in pursuit of my own creatyivity. I liked the use of interesting words, but i am not sure what exactly they stood for.

All in all though I found your style of writing to be very interesting which is an accomplishment in it own.