njkt

Hey,
This one isnt as new as some of my other ones but i thought i would post it anyways

thamior

its cool but im not a big fan of hate. and is there a reason u dislike urself. sorry for the u's and what not but im hurried right now lol. i have no clue why.

__________________

Dark and Shattered Lands

njkt

lol no,
its not that, just something i wrote when i was experimenting with different writing techniques.

thamior

ah i c. well when i write even in experimentinng its usually something i feel.

__________________

Dark and Shattered Lands

Ralizah

Well, that was interesting.


Anyhow, REVIEW TIME:

Cons

- The structure of this poem is typical to the degree of complete conformity to what we're all fed these days.

- You don't expand upon anything, you just type: 'I hate this, I hate that;" so it comes off more as some sort of bad punk music then a poem.

- Lack of interesting vocabulary... nothing struck me in this piece.

- This part is a bit messy in terms of typos:
Change all of the 'i's to 'I's. And it's 'succeed,' not 'succede.'

- This is really just a personal opinion, but the poem seems to suscribe to the common image of 'hate.' People tend to 'hate' anything that they dislike these days. But it's almost never truly hate. Hate is something too pure and emotional to define.

Pros

- It's coherent. Trust me, after some of the stuff I've read lately, that's more than enough to impress me.

- The point is very clear. Very, very, very clear.

- It's straightforward.

- You didn't attempt any of that bad symbolism crap, like: 'dese feathers are my hate to you.' Stupid crap like that. Thank you very much.

Anyhow, I do think you've got talent, but this poem was a bit of a flop. It's not horrible... but not great, either. But keep milking that talent you've got.

__________________
Thoughts: Philosophy is the basis of human morality and thus it is also the basis of human life; loving life is a result of applying a healthy philosophy.

njkt

heh, sorry for the typos, I type fast and usually write everything in notepad so there is bound to be many mistakes.

rashadow

I hate cliche
I hate that this poem does nothing new
I hate the fact you didn't try
I hate the fact that I know you could
I hate that I hate
I hate having to tell you that
This poem could have been so much better

I hate thinking that it was written by a fifteen year old.

(unless of course you are between the ages of fourteen and sixteen, or you were when this was written, if this is the case, forgive my comments if not then
I hate having to had told you that but somebody had to.)

__________________
I think...therefore...

http://www.myspace.com/silenciobarnes

thamior

indeed but often in poetry or music u must exagerate a feeling especially if a particular word interupts flow. and right now im being hypocritical i said the same thing lol.

__________________

Dark and Shattered Lands

njkt

@rashadow: as i said, i was trying something different, this one was written when i was 16

ty for all of the comments