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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 08-06-2004, 01:57 AM   #1
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Location: San Diego
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penny
She Walks in the Moonlight. a poem

I have this one on a dusty little page on my site . I thought it deserved the light of day ...so to speak. I think it's a little obsedian gem.



She Walks in the Moonlight c)2003 by author/Penny


I had the chance to know her on a sultry summer night
In the trees some ten years gone
Eyes dark luster shinning like black pearls
Skin like porcelain gleam

Won me over and had me done
She cries and walks in the moonlight
She only walks in the moonlight
Her cold gentle hands touched my face

Whispered sweet and clear

Breathe that stills the time
But it’s a weary nighttime dream
One the sun forgets like the taste of fine red wine
The moonlight stole her color

Silvered hands across my face
Red lips that promise wonders
She and I in this place
I gave and she takes my name

Hers won't be heard in the sunlight
Night must turn the red rose black
She sings her sad story about her dark loves sweet betrayal
Cold tears fall upon my brow

She cries and walks in the moonlight
She walks in the moonlight

I had a chance to know her on a sultry summer night
In these trees some ten years past
Now I have no name in the sunlight
Night must turn the red rose black

I can never go back

She cries and walks in the moonlight
he walks in the moonlight
I cry and walk in the moonlight
I walk in the moonlight
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It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.
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Old 08-06-2004, 08:27 AM   #2
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Penelope is an unknown quantity at this point
While repeating words can add emphasis and a lyrical quality, it didn't seem to work for me here. Too many moonlights bogged it down in my opinion. I don't know if the double spaces between the lines are intentional but they didn't help me as a reader.
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Old 08-06-2004, 02:49 PM   #3
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penny
Thanks Penelope,
Late night post ugh!
Does this read any better. The word 'moonlight' was to have a beat and empathize the subject meaning of the song...Failed did I?
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It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.
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Old 08-06-2004, 02:57 PM   #4
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Penelope is an unknown quantity at this point
um .. I think this needs some work.. there is nothing wrong with repeats if they are used with an eye on weaving the word into another context but as you have it here, it's repetition with no resolve. Just my opinion mind you.
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Old 08-06-2004, 08:15 PM   #5
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Right! I'll work on it. Stay with me on this one. I like the gothic vamp theme and the lost mood. I have missed the mark-let me rewrite and see if I can't find it.
Thanks
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It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.
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