abbey74

The curtains eerily blow as there seems to be a storm brewing outside
The roaring thunder, the flashing lightning, a perfectly ghastly night just for the likes of you
You are a member of the undead, you have came to me before as you told me you want to make me one of your brides
I check to make sure I have my crucifix around my neck, because to keep you away my choices are few.

You honestly think I want to join you, a devilish demon within the ranks of the undead?
Wolfbane, garlic, my crucifix, all these I use to help keep you away from me
Feeling safe from you I head off to bed
I think I have done everything I can to assure you can't get close to me.

It is really too bad you are one of the undead
Because you are very dashing and handsome
There is no way I could conform to your life style, especially drinking the thick liquid which you require that is so red
I see you at my window, as you look in and peer
When you come to me, I hope you see my crucifix so you will go.

I hear the window as it quietly raises, as I think you, you don't want me to hear
I know you are inside, as I hear you creep across the floor
I look up and you are here, I feel your hot breath, I see your red glowing eyes, I see them so very clear
My crucifix, I make sur you see it, you turn and flee as I know of this you want to see no more.

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Lanaia Lee

penny

I like this genre. I even collect books on the subject. Not because I'm a dark wierd old man but because the genre changes each generation. Prior to Strokers version the vamps were the stealer of dreams, or the taker of life force/soul. Banshees, phookas and dark sprites.
I think you fell to easily into the Rice version. The reader isn't surprised by you taking a road they have traveled so often.
You have a great premise, a love for the gothic, and you write beautifully.

Work on this one a bit. Let the reader know what the women feels not what she knows- Imagery over exposition. What if this Vampire doesn't mind a nice religious icon or two? She would most certainly be afraid then. What if this isn't a vampire, for whom she prepared, but some other unknown? If she is terrified so then will the readers be. I think you have it in you to give us a good scare.
It's only my opinion. Great start.

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It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.