What I mean is how I live - Writers Forum

Tyson · 05-15-2004, 10:13 PM

What I mean is how I live, and what I live is the truth. So what is the truth except failure or at least the knowledge of failure. Therefore life is failure leading to death. Death is but a part of life and so life is death. We live to die, we run a race that cannot possibly be won. The race of life and death, we cannot win and so we must fail. Life is failure the truth is failure mistakes mean nothing but to fail, to die. And so what I mean is how i live.
As I read through the words i have stained my page with ink, I am perplexed by it's meanin. For I being the author have no reason to have written them, let alone to even feel them. Is it deppresion, I say no I have no reason for deppresion, but yet i know what it doesn't mean.
I think to myself, can this be true, that life has no meaning, of course not life is all we have. Hold on to the precious moments of it you do have because they are your only ones. For there are worse people out there then you that are distracted from life by the blindness of themselves, they wander the path they can't get back from. Don't find yourself on this path. Death is not the end of it all, but the begging of a new life. Our lif is our story and we hold the pen. We write what we feel, see, hear, taste, and where we stand. Our story isn't finished, so we must make it our own, put our signature on the dotted line. For when we leave this life our story, no our legacy is all that is left behind, we leave some last pages blank for those of a new generation to write on. So I make my life known, and may it not be forgotten.
For those people who do not yet understand this concept of my story, pay no attention except to these words, now is the time to pick up your pen and fill your pages of life to the fullest. These words may sound strange or even stupid, but what I mean is how I live.
Tyson

Tyson · 05-15-2004, 10:13 PM

Tell me what you think.

Pawn · 05-16-2004, 03:50 PM

This could only be considered poetry in the most awesomely loose definition of the word. This is prose.

Tyson · 06-01-2004, 09:19 PM

Well if you tell me what there is to work on then I would appreciate your comment more. You don't give me any specific guidlines or advice you just say it is bad. If you give me some good maybe even basic reasons I would take it into consideration a little bit better and try to change the problems. But please if you are going to say it is bad then give it reasons or I will just think that it is just a post to make a post.
Tyson

SeraphOma · 06-01-2004, 11:08 PM

Dude, enter button. Use it.

Uhm if you broke it down into stanzas that didn't overwhelm the reader, it might be accepted better. (Ofcourse, I can be wrong.)

As someone interested poems that have a beat, if you made this poem flow in a way that had rhytym... OH MY GAWD... this poem would be off the HOOK. I mean someone can go on stage and style this poem resulting in extreme intensity.

(I'm reading and reflecting as I go along... a moment)

Hmm... I love this poem. At first it started off with this: I'm angry at the world, why am I alive, F*ck everyone -- vibe. But there is some serious knowledge towards the conclusion and that is awesome!

If you gave this poem some juice by making it more a performance piece: not where you just read it like a regular paragraph from a book but like a song with again my fav word: rhythm.. one word: masterpiece...

You got some knowledge, I'm looking forward too more!

Tyson · 06-01-2004, 11:30 PM

SEE PAWN!! That is the kind of critiscism I want.
To Seraphoma: Thanks a ton your comments are awesome. I see what you are saying. The thing is that this is my first poems I am more of a story writer and so like you said it sounds like something out of a book like someone reading or something similar to that I am used to books. If i could figure out the "flow" I agree. Right now it is the meaning I was going after but now that I got that I can go for the flow of the writing. Your coments were awesome they help me a lot. Comment more I like yours. (Oh btw do you go to www.gamingforce.com you remind me of a person with a simmilar name Sepharite just wondering.l)
Tyson

SeraphOma · 06-02-2004, 01:27 PM

Hey Tyson... Nah I never went to that site or have a screenname like that but I'm going check it out. I always like finding new websites.

Like I said, your poem is something I would cut out, save and put by my night stand to read every other night. I feel you on the stories thing, that's how I feel I am. You got amazing potential for intense performing. If that's not your thing, I feel you. But those words were intense! Again, I'll be looking out for your stuff!

I'd discuss this stuff over coffee with you

Tyson · 06-02-2004, 05:43 PM

Hey thanks, I was lying in bed when the thoughts came to me and I wasn't going to write it cause it was late and I was tired but from what you have said I am now glad I did. Thanks again that site is a gaming site and a music site it is pretty cool. Did you ever go to it, if so did you like it?
Tyson

Tyson · 10-08-2004, 07:24 PM

Well I am glad you like it. I love when I get good feedback on a piece but, that is not as often as I like. Thanks again
Tyson

Pawn · 10-08-2004, 08:22 PM

Forgive me for not noticing your reply to my post. If I'd seen it, I'd have given this some further work. I was loath to comment fully on it originally as I simply didn't think it was really poetry. Let me know if you'd like my thoughts on your lexicon and style.

Tyson · 10-08-2004, 10:16 PM

Sure but what is I was loath supposed to mean don't you mean I loathed to comment?

mammamaia · 10-12-2004, 03:47 PM

'loath to' means 'unwilling to'... which is not the same as 'loathed' which means 'hated'...

as for your intriguing piece of writing, tyson, comments about dividing it and giving it a meter, making it flow, are valid... that's what it needs to be a 'poem' although there is something nowadays called 'poetic prose' that this could be considered, i suppose...

the thing is it's hard to read as is, so your message won't get across to anyone... if you want help with it, send it to me in an email and i'll show you some ways it can be restructured...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com

Tyson · 02-16-2005, 01:35 PM

No this is really good advice I do see what you mean, but the thing is that I wrote this within a few hours which is a lot for me, but the thing is I can't expand right now because this was like an inspirational piece to me. So I would have to be reinspired to write it.
Tyson

Tyson · 02-16-2005, 10:55 PM

I don't know I think that maybe I will wait cause it would be hard to do it without the inspiration. Thanks for all the advice though.
Tyson