Riverside Park (please read, I know it sucks but hey) - Writers Forum

KiaKilla4206 · 10-09-2003, 10:45 PM

This might seem crappy but i feel like sharing. if you want yuou can rip it apart and tell me what you think.

River side Park
I heard you talk about the yellow slide
The slide I use to crawl into at night
I use to call it my own and visit it everyday
sleeping in its wide space and feeling free
Its twists and turns gave me comfort in my heart

You gave me the sad news just the other day
It was caught in flames and melted in the grass
Some one without a soul set it on fire and watched all night
They didn’t realize what they had done
All was lost when they looked afterwards
A little girl laid there, curled up tight
She slept while she burnt with her slide

The flames burnt her to ashes
All of her memories and the past had drifted away in smoke
What have these people done?
They took away all her life and joy
They stole everything she called home
She can never run to her home again
She died wit her past

I sat there astonished and broken
Thinking in the back of my mind
I searched as far as I could
Something was missing in this story
It never said who the girl was
As I sat there in all dismay
I realized the little girl
Was me.

hollyoake · 10-10-2003, 02:15 AM

CRAPPY?????????????
did i make my point...?

this is very moving... even 'wit' the typo in the last line of the third stanza!

keep them coming!

hollyoake · 10-10-2003, 02:16 AM

in case you didn't quite get the messege - it's fab.

Phoenix · 10-10-2003, 03:55 AM

Hey, this is really good. Its very creative and has excellent expression. =D>

Rage2Fury · 10-10-2003, 10:17 PM

Raised the hairs all over my body... I love it. My kind of poem. Seemed more like a story! *smiles*

Capulet · 10-10-2003, 10:55 PM

hmmmm, I've seen quite a few of the "the face in the mirror was my own

" poems over the years. I think they've lost their appeal for the most part, but like the slide they're a great trip into the past. As far as being an example of this kind of work goes its fairly decent.

Oh, and there are a couple of typos (more than just the one in the third stanza). I'll let you enjoy finding them.